[Ricky] The Sincere Oddities of A Writer

[Pulren Marsh]

Good luck with your move, Rick! You know Mizahar will be here for you and so will I!

[Ricky Maze]

I appreciate that a lot! It's always good to be reminded, whether its myself or someone else, that Mizahar will always be here when I've to disappear for a bit. I know I've my spells where I need a short break, this time however I don't know how long it'll be once I move. From what I can tell we should have internet when we get there, but that's probably just me being overly optimistic.

Either way we're pretty much starting over from scratch, which is good for me because I find myself in a position where we need it. I've no job and pretty much fewer friends than I did before this, and hopefully once this whole thing has passed I'll find myself happier there than I am here. In short if things don't work out up there then I can move back down here, though that might take a bit of time. I'm wary of the situation but at the same time highly hopeful about it, which is rather unusual since I usually fall deeply resilient to change. I'll be more happy when this damned cough goes away though, I swear for the past several nights I've felt like I was going to hack up a lung, hopefully my allergies and such will be far kinder in Nebraska as well. *fingers crossed on that one*

[Ricky Maze]

Personally I've never thought to refer to my scrapbook for this, but seeing as how I've got to get my ducks in line, it would probably help me out to put it down to post anyways. With this whole moving to another state thing coming up, it feels like I've managed to create a clock that's counting down, leaving me with a deadline that I should probably meet before said clock finally runs out. I've always been terrible about deadlines and hated them, generally feeling like procrastinating in the process because they only distract me further. This time though I'm not going to worry about such a thing, deadline or not I'm going to make sure I've got some ground works laid out for my characters. Getting them set up so that they will be at a decent spot for me to resume, once I finally get internet to reconnect with the forum. At the very least I'll be able to keep in touch since I've used a phone before, but posting wise is out of the question because... well my thumbs aren't exactly what they used to be.

So yeah, plans! Planning has been something I've always sort of been good at, sometimes however half of those plans would fall through because something came along to change them, or I would just plain and simple fall short of the progress necessary to see them through. This time though I've had a few things I really want to make happen, so I'll be doing everything I can in my spare time to get it all together. It'll make it easier when I resume them too, seeing as how much of the planning and effort in preparing for it will hopefully be done. So wish me luck everyone! I'm attempting to step up my game just a little, while reducing my intake of threads for now to reducing the amount of unfinished business that may be left over. In the time I'm gone though I won't be sitting in the dark either, I'll definitely be down for plotting other possible ideas as well. Though I'm already thinking ahead when I should focus on now.

So for now, to work on progression. Cheers!

[Ricky Maze]

I've also neglected to mention that I'd be happy to keep in touch with some friends on here off site as well, some of you already have me on either AIM or Skype but for those that do not, I'd be happy to add you to my contacts. Just send me a pm and then we can exchange contact info. As far as plans and plotting go, I'm also wanting to find a few partners that I would like to excessively do this with. I really want to be more involved when all this is over, so I'd like to be a part of and maybe even contribute to whatever large scale plot arcs are going on.

[Ricky Maze]

I felt like a total idiot coming back reading the previous posts, while I've done a little here and there to maintain that "get shit done" attitude, hardly any real progress seems to show from it. Wouldn't you agree? I'll admit its easy to come up with excuses and say it's not entirely my fault, when in truth it's better to just admit I've been slacking in general because its one of the things I'm good at. Sure, there's been a few days where I'm having to adjust to things, like the fact I'm finally on medication for my anxiety now and its been a bitch to adjust to. Then there comes the fact I loathe to express any reason or opinion as to why is why and what is makes what is, mainly because I think nobody else would or should care about what I say in a matter. Regarding to whether its personal opinion or flat out expression of an idea.

Yep. I decided I needed to come clean about that, mostly because I'm trying to entertain a new outlook before the big move. Speaking of which, I've been without a job for nearly three weeks, mostly recovered from that damned cough I had due to sinus', and to top it off the move date been set back to the 4th of July weekend. I could celebrate the delay, but unfortunately the internet will still be disconnected June 30th. That's six days from now, and again; what the hell have I done? Take down notes on what I previously planned and then slept most of the time thanks to medication. Sure I got a few posts in today, but in all that time I slept I could've gotten a helluva lot more done. It bugs me because it hasn't been fair to my partners, the people I know have waited on me to post. At this point though I'll admit the stressing out is self induced, and likely unnecessary as I don't even know if it'll be long until I have internet again up state.

Either way my rambling had a point, and it was to express the fact the fact I've started to feel different. I'd like to say its a mid life crisis in action since I'm moving, can't tell if it's the medication though as it hasn't been a full week... BUT the fact is I'm coming to terms with the fact things are going to be different, and I'll be glad because its a different I would rather have right now. As of late my so called "friends" that I have have dwindled because of stupid shit, and this moving process has just clarified on who I can say fell into that friendship category. Hardly anybody around here seems worth sticking around for, which makes it a LOT easier to just get the shit packed up and go. I'll be fine, I can make new friends further north. I hear they're nicer up there too, definitely the kind of people you'd like to meet. As silly as that sounds after rereading it, I find it amusing because how true it actually is. I know a few people out of state who were nice, and we got along pretty damn good actually. Its just at the point where I no longer care about what's down here now, as cruddy as it sounds I can't stand to linger in a place that has nothing good to offer me.

Toning down a notch as I probably sound overly enthused about it, I stated earlier that my lack of expression comes from a self regard on my opinions. For a while now I've thought about how quiet I become and one day I realized, its because half the shit I say will not or probably should not matter to others. So why bother if that be the case? I thought more about that, and that's when I came to figure out that it should matter to me. It's my own thoughts, my own opinions, and it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. Whether or not others care isn't important, but whether or not I care is. So the first thing I think I should do is actually take a step back, look at the bigger picture here, and sooner or later realize what I really do give a damn for. I think that's a grand start to a better clarification, and a better way to learn what to expect from myself.

[Ricky Maze]

Oh how the time does fly when you're working and playing the wait game. I've done nothing but that since I got up here because getting a house hasn't been the easiest thing, but we've got a few possibilities coming up to get our foot in the door at best. That's all we need actually. For a long time when I lived back down south everything seemed, for the lack of a better word, bland. No matter what there wasn't anything I could do to make a better change, not until I grew fed up with the lifestyle I was caught up in down there anyways.

Now its been a series of settling in but not settling down due to the fact circumstance dictated our first chance, it never fails to think our plans can always be led astray by one little detail. But anyways to keep to the point of this, I'm doing very well as of now and I miss everyone on here a lot. Being in a new place has been good and good for me, a necessary change I'm well beyond glad to have made. Still its hard as ever of course, and half the time I have to remind myself that this isn't home. Specifically when I see so many faces that appear familiar, but aren't in fact faces I knew back home. Right now we've got a place but it isn't ours necessarily, just a spot to stay at while we look for a house.

Kinda stressful though now that I dwell on it, we've got until the last day of this month to find a place. So while the only thing I have is a job at this point, really the only thing I can do is work and watch as the clock keeps ticking. I'm hopeful something will come through shortly however, there's been a few good possibilities here and there. Pretty soon when things are settled I can get both feet on the ground, start out doing things that make me happier, and then see where life goes from there. I definitely miss writing too, my laptop's been acting up again so nothing hasn't really been done on it for a couple of weeks. Though I do daydream a lot since that helps me think, so far I've had some ideas come to mind for when I get the chance. I keep wondering what things I want to do later after we settle, but for now that remains a mystery to be solved.

So yeah, that's what I wanted to share after two months of silence. I'll definitely keep popping in ever once in a while to keep everyone posted, and to all my friends that I made here on the site; I miss y'all greatly as well. I'm looking forward to the times where we get to plan and plot together, hell even just talk together on Skype or something. Definitely intend to reconnect with a lot of you the first chance I get.

Wish me good luck!
Zach

[Kreig Messer]

We're waiting for ya old Pirate!

[Ricky Maze]

Hey everyone,

So I haven't really been able to check in with you all lately since I've been busy, but I wanted to let everyone know that we've finally got ourselves a damn house. I didn't tell everyone when I checked in before but we were practically homeless and camping out all October, searching for a place that would let us keep our dogs and didn't judge the history of one of our house mates. When November started of course we finally found said house and have been busy with getting settled in, and of course with work and the usual things that happen everyday. There's a bit of a setback in the plans for internet as money is tight for a little bit, but rest assured I'm doing very well and absolutely happy that we've finally found somewhere to rest our heads. It'll be just a bit longer but I guarantee that we'll be looking at getting internet soon. Otherwise some of us will just go plain crazy without it. (Joke)

Anyways I miss you all and will be sure to give the full story when I do return, for now I'm just biding the time until things are legitimately easier to juggle. As stated before I intend to reconnect with all of my friends here, so be ready because that is going to happen before you know it!

See ya soon,
Zach

[Ricky Maze]

It amazes me how fast the time flies when you're busy making a living, especially given the fact shits got pretty heavy for a while there. I intended to try and get around to posting this when the new year started, but alas work and other things have kept my attention busy for the past two months. That is to say I haven't at least checked in when I could, now of course I've noticed that half of the players I spoke with here have left. Well some have left while others remain, and then there's those that left before that appear to have returned. It amazes me how out of touch you can feel when you're caught up in other things, which leaves me to reason on whether or not I should consider a few heavy choices myself. I have thought about it for a while, and I know nothing would please me more than to just simply find somewhere to write. Needless to say being out of reach has provided much time to plan things out, even if they may not come to light upon my return. Yes I still plan to come back as always, I've peeps here I'd love to chat and write with and wouldn't miss the chance to do so. But that leaves for another post at another time, right now I'm going to trail back to what should've been written at new years day.

Last year within May I found myself in a conundrum, I lived in a place where I was making it. I had a house, a job, a supportive household that consisted of my mother and grandmother, and then my outlets for creativity. So what was wrong? Simply put I'd allowed myself to give into expectations, those which were set pretty damn high for myself because I worried about what others may think. I won't lie or kid around, it was selfish and stupid bullshit. I allowed one of the worst things to get in my way, and that was myself because of the severe anxiety I had with the world. Well, I finally took care of it and found a doctor to provide a bit of aid. And ever since then the haze in my mind started to clear, but that was no longer enough. Around that same time I was picked up from work I found myself not just tired, but exhausted of the same repetitive thing I'd been doing everyday. Work was great and all because I enjoyed the aspect of cake decorating, but the company and workplace started to prove less favorable by the day. Finally I caved in and said "I'm done." like I needed to, and I agreed with mom that I should move up north when my sister came down from Nebraska. There began the transition I never saw coming.

July gets here and after waiting two months with no job and dwindling funds, we finally have our shit packed and ready to go. We loaded ALL of our shit we wanted to take in the back of a pick up and the car, which was being pulled on a dolly because it has issues while driving. Within a full weekend we were ready and set to leave, and when the time to finally depart I never once looked back from where we left. I won't lie the place we lived in sucked, only because I'd finally grown to see it differently. With so few friends to keep barely even close to and a family that almost seemed never there, because they preferred drugs or stupid shit like that; I was thrilled to put all that behind me to start over elsewhere. It would be a new life with new people, a start over I welcomed because there would be no more expectation. When we at last arrived at our temporary place to stay, I already had a job lined up for me as well. Things were going smoothly for the most part, we were eager and hopeful our transition would be a pleasant one. Unfortunately that wasn't so, because the place we looked to rent wasn't approved. See my mother had this thing called HUD, a system that assists with housing is the best way to put it, and it didn't pass our potential first apartment here. So with that bump in the road we stayed at our temporary housing place, the people were good people though they had there issues. Needless to say shit didn't start to hit the fan until October nearly started.

Yes two months were almost passed and we didn't have our own place yet, we had till the end of September to find a place to stay. Why? Because the people we stayed with were moving into another home, and they could only make an arrangement to buy us a little bit of time. We'd called, and called, and called in an effort to find us a home to live in, hopeful that we'd find a place that would take us, my brother-in-law who was at the time the fiance, and our two dogs. That was the big issue there; our two dogs. Although my brother-in-law had a criminal past many here frown upon, they didn't know his side of the story in truth. Nor did they care. I won't go into details because its not overly important, its easiest to say he's made his mistakes and learned well enough from them. He's changed and does his damnedest to do good, even so that didn't matter because of said past. So we kept trying and trying, still nobody would take us in because they didn't approve or just didn't want animals in their home. It was stupid and unfair, to think that such a place like this promotes farming and animals; yet homeowners wouldn't allow us to keep our pets because of bad past experiences. Well we decided screw that, because we loved our animals. That's right; I fucking LOVE my dog and nothing could change that, I raised him from the time he'd been a month old and still had him close to me. Not a damn thing was going to take that away, and when the month was finally up my life became a whirlwind of an experience. October finally hit and we were officially homeless, having to resort to staying in hotels or camping out somewhere while we found a place.

It sucked to high heaven being trapped in that sort of situation, and I can honestly say you never know when to appreciate something, until you finally no longer have it. Imagine being limited on washing dishes and clothes, cooking, sleeping in tents out in the cold, having to deal with the elements because you've no where else to go. I won't lie or sugar coat it, being homeless was the worst thing that I had to go through. Thankfully I wasn't alone when I went through it, and I still had the same job I do now because my coworkers were understanding and supportive. Anyway we put up with being homeless for October and finally November hits, when finally we have a breakthrough. A guy who knew my brother-in-law well enough, who owned a few houses as well, had a couple of homes available. And when we finally set up a date and looked at our options, we at last found ourselves a four/five bedroom house we could settle in. He allowed us to keep our pets under a couple of conditions, and no later than the first week of November we were able to move in thanks to a generous loan from a couple that helped us out. This couple had supported my sister and her husband for a while now, giving them a place to stay before we decided we wanted to move up here. Which brings to light the fact that they had a place to go while mother and I did not, still they stuck with us and endured the weather with us because they were family. Something like that was exactly what I valued, because I never felt anything like that would occur back home.

Anyways we got a generous loan to get us in the door and began our move, and the next few months would be spent paying our dues and trying to keep our feet grounded. I can remember thinking how ecstatic I was to have four walls, a roof, hell even the shower looked beautiful to look at. For the most part we were more than happy, we were as grateful as could be about finally having a roof over our heads. "Soon," I would say to myself, "everything would come together as it should." And of course from that time on I would spend my days working to earn a living, but I wouldn't be alone in this endeavor as we had a support system finally in working. New Year's was almost around the corner and with it a promising new year, only a few days before Christmas I received some news I could never have believed. One of my cousins back home, one who I tended to but heads with and often disagreed at times, took his own life without a single damn warning. It was sudden, and it shook us harder than I could've anticipated. Though we wanted to go down to be there for the funeral, we knew it wasn't the best idea to do so after our situation. Honestly there are a couple other factors that weighed in, like anger towards who were responsible in the long run, and keeping our ears to the ground while those back home played the blame game or the pity me party fest. I'll admit I could almost relate to the latter, because even when we had our differences I still loved my cousin.

I grew up with him and had many fond memories to share, and when I reflected upon them I immediately felt regret for all the spite I had in his decisions. Yes he too made plenty of mistakes and I greatly disapproved of his lifestyle, maybe because I thought he could do better or I just didn't want to feel close to him. Even so that didn't change the fact I mourned his loss, and wished I could've done differently to change his course earlier on. I faced the facts too and learned regret would do me no good, so when the new year arrived I started it living in the simple new life I began, and to this day I still work to further build upon it, our loan is almost completely paid off and I may or may not be looking at a new job closer to home. My brother-in-law is transition from his current job to truck driver this month, and sure enough we're about to invest in internet as well as a family mobile plan so I'll have my own phone again. I've made some new friends and with no self expectations; managed to build a small but growing social circle that I'm happy with. Its been snowy as hell but I never thought I would love it this much, mainly because we never got much snow back down in Arkansas.

So now that the whole story is out there, that's what I've had to put up with. One hell of a roller coaster ride of change, and I'll admit while it seemed hard at the time I'm glad I went through it now. I'm a better individual because of it and I've my own self respect thanks to it, and I aim to only further improve the aspects of my life as the future comes. I take each day at a time and go to bed with a smile on my face, as well as spend my spare time loving my family and my dog of course. Things are better here and right now its all good.

[Pulren Marsh]

Glad to hear that you made it to the other side of the gauntlet, friend. We'll be here when you make it back!