I suppose this is rather something several have expected by now, I honestly admitted a few weeks ago that such would be the case, but I never got around to making it official because of the bullshit I was putting myself through at the time. Recently I managed to regain the means to write on here again and just as soon as I started to do so, suddenly the bravado of inspiration I started to show suddenly dissipated like ash to the wind. What had happened you may ask? What exactly did you go through this time, or rather what did your put yourself through since you like to mentally torment yourself so? Well the fact of the matter is I allowed my lazy habit to get the best of me, but that was only where it began before the shit really the fan and my mentality took a nose dive.
Yes I will admit that I wasn't doing much of anything healthy for my sanity the rest of spring, and it stands to reason that the past events I've gone through are a fitting example as to why I resorted to this state of mind. It was the same constant lifestyle I had in high school when I had no internet or actual social life, and it was what got me through the years as I coped with the fact I hated the reality I lived in. It was why I decided to leave home behind mostly, among other various reasons of course but mainly the bigger one. The change was good until things got difficult shortly after we arrived, and ever since then the transition into what's suppose to be a new life has been nothing short of arduous to manage ever since I got here. I've been homeless for a couple months, literally camped out in the rain and wind for almost a month with no where to go, lost my childhood cousin because of the gravity of his depression got the better of him two days before christmas, found myself wanting a relationship with another who refuses to date anybody because of their own personal agenda, wanting to spend time with friends who quite often are appearing to give me the run around even after I snap and tell them how I feel, and of course lost my own father to an aneurysm just a few months ago. Sound like a lot to go through? Kinda does to me when it finally starts to sink in, which I guess actually happened because I've done nothing but cope with the reality I'm facing by doing nothing but sit around and play xbox.
Ungodly hours dedicated to online gaming because I wanted distraction, to cope with everything that's happened in my own way while I brood over what I've been through. I literally thank the powers that be that I've been on anxiety medication, because if I weren't at the time all this sunk in my level of depression would've plummeted even deeper. First I lost all motivation for everything, I didn't want to do anything as I could only want for distraction. Things I love and thoroughly enjoyed just didn't have the same feel as they did before, and the next thing I knew I was lost in a grim world where I nearly hated everything, wanted to quit my job and everything in general, and just sit around and do nothing but brood on my feelings every single day.
Yeah I know that kind of shit isn't the healthiest and given its only been, what, three quarters towards four months since my dad died; you'd think or believe a reaction such as this was natural and bound to come. For me I didn't expect it to but I knew better not to believe it wouldn't, because I'm a person with one of the biggest faults you can quickly learn. Simply put I'll put on a front and hide the fact I'm troubled, always have and always will to boot. Ask me how I'm feeling and sure enough you'd get that "fake" smile, the one where you convince others your okay, and go with the two easiest words that cover what you're really feeling. "I'm fine," is definitely the key terminology I've used so much over the past year, that in all honesty its actually coming down to the point that I'm disappointing myself in saying it. Yet I do it anyways because I prefer to leave my problems as my own, and almost nobody will ever be able to share in them unless they know for sure I'm putting up a front. But now I'm straying from the point of the subject here.
Overall its been a hell of a journey up here and recently this whole brooding cloud finally seems to be lifting, in fact it wasn't until last night I actually managed to write anything in the time I've stopped doing anything in general. For once I grew sick and tired of sitting around and doing nothing, and rather than just brushing it off and merely sitting around I started doing something. A little chore here and good intention there, mix in random acts of actually wanting to do this, walk the dog once or twice, all of these were slowly building up to what I could hope would be a breakthrough I needed. Am I on the verge getting through this brickwall I hit? Have I finally come to my senses and finally remembered how to enjoy the good things in life again? Honestly I don't even know, still don't even feel sure I'm able to keep up with myself anymore. Half the time I still feel like just buckling down and quitting everything, just to sit and deal with my own private thoughts, while the other half I'm finally spending time trying to find something I legitimately wanna do to make myself feel good again. So in a sense last night was only a baby step forward in the effort to regain what lost passion I had for the thing I loved most, and it was spent on the one novel I've been working on and putting off ever since I graduated high school back in 2011.
Yeah its been that long since I started working on this novel, and its about time I focus more on it so it doesn't just linger around as another piece of self resentment. Gods already know I've spent enough time loathing myself over the past couple of months, so that leaves me with the fact that I've to tie up loose ends elsewhere and see to it I end things on good notes rather than vanishing without a word. I realize I was vastly deep in plans on here but with everything that's happened, I have to finally say that now is the time I finally hang my hat and say I'm done lingering here. The people that I've met and the stories I've planned, put to action, and even read across this site have been nothing short of amazing. The amount of time and dedication to this site spent on both my part and others involved have created plenty of memories both favorable and unfavorable at times. I've laughed, I've cried, I've enjoyed, and I've even missed so many people that have come and gone here. In a way I feel like I'm just another player whose finally following the rest ahead of me, when in truth I'm finally just resorting my priorities to redefine what's left of my outlook on life for the better.
I've always expressed the fact I've wanted to make friends, and to this day that still stands because I love meeting and interacting with people. So you can imagine how dreadful it was when I came to realize that I came to the conclusion to leave, even though I had intended to do so once already a couple years back. This time however I feel its a more serious and personal matter, and that I may in fact not be returning to write with anybody else here at all. To those I had just began to develop long term plans with, I deeply apologizing that I fell short of following through them. In a way I'll somehow always carry a sense of regret about that, because of the fact I failed to keep to these wonderful ideas I was so deeply interested in. While I may not be around to write or post anymore I do wish to at least keep in touch with many of you, and so you can always find me via email or aim or even facebook for that matter. My time here has reached its last chime of course and now I must draw this post to a close, and to all of you I thank you for the amazing stories and wonderful emotional support you've given me, no amount of words I could ever write will relay the sincere gratitude I feel towards such humble thoughts.
Love always,
Ricky AKA Zach
