by Mao on March 28th, 2011, 8:22 pm
Sometimes I like to pretend I do important and innovating things in my life. I don't, really. I'm not very important here, I'm not very important in real life, I'm just another person suffering from what I'm really starting to believe is a harsh case of depression, and I have no clue how to go about conquering it.
Sometime this week I was looking back at the guys I thought I loved. It's hard getting my heart broken so badly that I basically don't want anything to do with the concept of love ever again. It's childish of me to think a girl of 16 loved another boy of 16 but back then, I cared for him too much to say it was anything less than love. After we graduated, well, things went downhill. I went downhill. All of my friends? Haha! We're gamers. We stay in our homes and play games in our caves. They ask me out but I never feel the driving need to hang with them. Usually they just flirt with me. Maybe it's the location. I hate San Francisco, even when people assume it's an awesome city. Sure, it can be awesome, but 90% of the time it sucks, and it's really not worth going a second time.
Now I believe I'm starting to get a symptom of my hypoglycemia. My arm constantly falls asleep without me doing anything to it. It becomes numb, and much harder to move my fingers too. I'm wondering sometimes, "What's the point to keep going when I'm deteriorating already." But I want to see the world, I want to travel, I want to have children someday, to live in a big house that I can call my home and live a normal life. I want to work for a gaming company and contribute to my greatest hobby and make it my job. But theres something about me that makes me think I'm going to fail.
I'm stuck in a rut. I feel very much alone, and I just want to get over this feeling of complete and utter uselessness.