Why not, though? Without her sight, she had no further opportunities. Why not just burn herself out in one last investigation?
Because it could come back. that was why. Overgiving could result in temporary sensory loss. In fact, it most likely was temporary. She should wait.
But wait for how long? Temporary could mean one Bell. It could mean one year. What was she supposed to do? Sit still and hope? Besides, either something was dangerous or it wasn't; either she'd done permanent damage, or she hadn't. A peek at her own aura might make things worse, true, but if she was careful, the damage would probably be proportionally slight, especially compared to what she could learn. In fact, if her sight was to return, that was all the more reason to look; the effects of overgiving on one's own aura could be very useful, or at least very interesting, information. And she was depriving herself of that information -- the world of that information. What was the point of being able to see auras, if she didn't use it? Without her sight, shouldn't she be working even harder at truly seeing?
After all, if she focused on an aura, maybe sight wouldn't seem so important. Maybe she could stop panicking.
Panicking... Tsaba had faced panic before. There were ways to deal with that. She forced herself to stop breathing (nervous habit, even after so many years... childish, really) and tried to remember what the last book on personal magic she'd read had said about overgiving.
Once can use too much of their own magic, an action known as overgiving. As one is essentially manipulating their own vital force to utilise magic, a severe or sudden weakening in this manner can cause unbalance, and a variety of symptoms, including sensory or mobility loss, loss of magical control, delusions, hallucinations, obsession, insanity, and death. Often, the body will struggle to regain balance, and the symptoms may fade; the timescale for such events is highly variable. However, some symptoms are permanent. It is believed that the effects of overgiving, even when the subject has apparently recovered, may be cumulative, which may account for the slow descent into madness observed in many wizards. Whether or not this is correct, personal magic is an extremely dangerous activity, and should be undertaken with great care and caution.
Was that right? It sounded right. She couldn't check, of course. She tried to remember the overgiving section of the previous personal magic book. And then the one before that.
Tsaba had always had a keen memory, and undeath had, if anything, sharpened it. Of course, since she had nothing to check her memories against, she couldn't know how accurate they were. But trying to piece together various book passages was diverting, even if it wasn't useful. And diversion was what she needed.
She was about five overgiving passages in when her room started to look sort of grey, and joy gripped at her spine.
She was seven passages in when she was able to recognise the outline of her own desk.
She was twelve passages in when she saw what a mess her room was. And only then did she let herself stop, and did the full impact of what had happened hit her.
If Tsaba was still capable of crying, she would have. Instead, she just muttered garbled, incoherent thanks to whatever gods might be around. That had been close. Too close. And dangerous. And her room was a mess. Parchment and books had fallen to the floor when she'd reached for a sheet to glyph; without even thinking about it, she was crouched on the floor, inspecting the books for damage. They seemed fine. She'd splashed ink on one corner of her desk, and all over her left hand. And the focus glyph she'd painted... even knowing what she had been trying to do, it was unintelligible, a collection of random, wonky lines. Apparently it was difficult to draw intricate shapes without being able to see them.
Dr Marin's scroll was miraculously undamaged, and Tsaba packed it carefully away. Not just to protect it, but to protect herself from temptation.
She would learn. She would understand. And someday, she would see the aura of the glyphs as clearly as she could see the heartbeat of a living human.
But she wouldn't be tricked by her own hubris and impatience. She wouldn't fall into that trap. She couldn't learn to see more by losing sight of what she already had -- time. Senses. Information. Magic.
She had to be smart. She had to be careful. She had the assets; she just needed to use them wisely.
And that way, someday, she could properly see exactly what the power was that she held. |
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