PM to join Caught Off Guard

As flash-hail strikes, one cart still travels through the streets.

(This is a thread from Mizahar's fantasy role playing forum. Why don't you register today? This message is not shown when you are logged in. Come roleplay with us, it's fun!)

A lawless town of anarchists, built on the ruins of an ancient mining city. [Lore]

Moderator: Morose

Caught Off Guard

Postby Garret Sawyer on January 10th, 2014, 9:25 pm

Image
Soon the howls of pain subsided into the groans of self-pity as the horses were whipped back into motion, forcing the stiff wooden wheels of the cart to start squeaking once more. The clouds had withered enough by now to allow some welcomed sunlight grace the alleyway, illuminating the mouldy, crumbling alleyway walls as they walked along. Behind them cries of pain and anguish erupted as the sound of barking rabid dogs grew louder before the human cries cut of suddenly, leaving only a tense silence hanging around the group.
"Let's see if those horses can't go any faster, eh?" Garret asked, with a slight sadistic smirk touching his lips, towards the pale face driver.
"Yeah..." He replied nervously "Let's see..."
With another crack of the whip the horses broke into a brisk trot as the exited the alleyway into a wide open street.

The wind that they had been shielded from in the alleyway had returned as they stepped out into the wide road, howling around their ears as once more they struggled to be heard. Garret felt the familiar sensation of hail and rain splattering against him, though it lacked the painful sting that it once had as the cloud began to break up, though darker clouds loomed on the horizon which meant that this wouldn't let up till tomorrow at least.

"It's not far" The driver shouted at the top of his voice once more "We can make it."
"Do you think you had a choice in it?"
Garret shouted back, raising his hand to protect his eyes against the hail since his shield was strapped to his back "Keep those horses moving!"
The driver did just that as he wrapped the thick woollen blanket back around his head while the runt sat defiantly next to him, refusing to flinch as she was pelted with hail. It wasn't long before they reached the storage houses, and a loud voice rang out into the courtyard "Delivery has arrived! Open the doors"
Almost immediately two large weather downs were yanked open, revealing a empty warehouse with a handful of thin, dirty workers flanked by stern, armoured guards.

"Took your sweet time" One of the guards said in a raspy voice with a smirk at the sight at the battered convoy "Had some trouble did we?"
"You don't know the half of it"
The driver replied, exasperated with his trials "We have had to deal with hail, horses and even thieves" he listed, conveniently forgetting that failed to help one bit on the final point.
"Whatever" The guard dismissed doubtfully "Just bring 'er in, I'll deal with these thugs"
He turned back to Garret and his comrades, and raised a hand stopping them from coming into the warm and dry warehouse "I've got your pay here, no need to bring your stench in here sellswords." he spat as he pulled out three fairly small leather pouches "Your lucky to get this much, somehow you managed to screw up a simple escort job" He chucked the pouches to each of them "It was a small job so you'll get a small pay, no matter what tall tales you've conjured up, so get lost" he barked, shutting the doors on them.

Garret fondled the pouch in one hand as he turned away from the ominous wooden doors back into the bleak courtyard "I'm going for a drink" he declared looking at the others "Do me a favour and piss off."
Dead before bowed.
Fallon, I didn't thread because I was scared you would kill Garret, I know the rules perfectly. It was simply because I didn't like you, when I logged on and saw a bunch of veterans complaining that they couldImage not find threads and newbies should approach them because they are so much better us new people, I just thought one thing. What a bunch of cunts.

The Broken Shackles
User avatar
Garret Sawyer
You got gold? Good, who do you want dead?
 
Posts: 98
Words: 114969
Joined roleplay: November 24th, 2013, 10:24 pm
Race: Human
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Plotnotes

Caught Off Guard

Postby Una Tanta on March 2nd, 2014, 5:45 pm

Image



Garret :
Experience:
Leadership +4
Tracking +1
Shield +3
Body Building +1
Intimidation +1

Lore:
Shielding: Brace with back leg

Other:

Body Damage from Hail: Bruises and aches for 1 week
Shield Damage from Hail: Pock Marks
Face Damage from Fight: Cut upper cheek that will scar

Notes:

You played your characters ability and level very well and your characterization him never faltered. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this thread! Especially the battle scene where you only used your shield to battle and in such a clever way too.

Please include where you live on you CS I couldn't find it anywhere.

Edit: I struggled to find appropriate lore as there wasn't much learning done here. If you wanted something I didn't think to award PM me and we can discuss it.[/list]


Senghor :
Experience
Leadership +1
Tracking +1
Brawling +1

Lore:
Sunberthian Hail is Dangerous
Noven: Soft Spot For Children

Other:

Body beat up from hail and battle: 1 week recovery from soreness and bruises

Notes:

I had a lot of issues with your posts. You played far above your level in almost every single one. "Utilizing his strength' .....you have no strength XP to speak of...whatsoever and your bodybuilding only has 2 XP in it.

Furthermore, you made a fire with 2 stones without any lores or XP to support it as you have no wilderness survival XP at all. Furthermore, even with that XP making a fire from stones is very very difficult. I also wonder how you found stones that big in an abandoned horse stable...that would be very dangerous for a horse and it isn't likely you could find some that easily without scavenging about in the hay.

However, despite these obvious issues the plot and actual storytelling were delightful. I really enjoyed this thread. I would advise you stick some of your paragraphs together as you frequently cut several paragraphs into pieces.


Noven :
Experience:
Intimidation +1
Unarmed Combat +3
Observation +3

Lores:
Amira: Stealthy Knife Fighter

Other:

Beat up from hail and battle: 1 week recovery from soreness and bruises
Concussion from exposed head to hail: 2 week recovery time
Face cut from showering ice: 1 week recovery time

Notes:

I had several issues with your posts as well Noven. You have no helmet listed in your CS and yet you said you had one. Thus I gave you damage from the falling hail. During the battle the girls knife is at your throat and then you spring into action against someone else? I struggled to visualize how this would work....

You are then charging right at him and he has a rapier...how do you expect to punch him in the face without him using the rapier on you?

I had a lot of trouble following your battle description in general and had to re-read several times to understand. It might be worthwhile using names when referencing characters we know the names of instead of just he/she pronouns and the like.

I am also a little skeptical of the acrobatics you used. While this is definitely within your XP you played it off too easily, at your XP level even if you were able to do this you would be awkward and ungainly...not super smooth and swift like you describe.

However, in spite of that the plot here was solid and beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and grading it. :)


Please don't be afraid to PM me with any questions ^-^ and please don't forget to edit your grading request to "graded".
User avatar
Una Tanta
Be The "One Day"
 
Posts: 483
Words: 371301
Joined roleplay: May 15th, 2013, 2:11 am
Race: Charoda
Character sheet
Scrapbook
Plotnotes
Medals: 1
Featured Contributor (1)

Previous

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests