[Dusk's Scrapbook] New beginnings

by **Dusk** on October 14th, 2010, 12:14 pm

Since my last pic was all grumpy and growly, here are two better pics. The first is from last week, one I took to illustrate my banging make-up, so I still have dark hair. The second is a better pic of my actual hair color, though it also just shows the back of my head and my really messy room. So... here you go! Less grump, ahoy!

by **Dusk** on November 5th, 2010, 4:52 am

Seriously? Seriously? Ovaries, you can't just give me a break for one freaking month? I mean, at least you let me get through midterms. I appreciate that. It would have sucked trying to take a Chemistry exam while doubled over in pain and wishing for the sweet, cold embrace of death. But doing this to me two days before my 30th birthday party? For shame, ovaries. One day I will dig you out with a spork and make you pay for all these little moments of cruelty.

So I'm cramping hard enough to crack walnuts, and I have a cold on top of that. Awesome. PLUS my internet was out all day. I had to comfort myself with shitty diner food and FF13. I know, I know, life is hard. Shut up.

If I still feel like crap tomorrow, I'm emailing my professor all of my work and just saying fuck it. I'll stay in bed all day and eat cheesecake until I feel better. No point in stressing out about crying in Chem lab.

On the plus side, I decided what tattoo I want to mark the anniversary of my 30th year on this big blue world, and my BFF redyed my hair so it'll look fabulous for the party. Woot! Oh, here are some more fun pics to keep you updated on how the whole redhead thing is working out for me:

Me and said BFF, being all swanky for the JEDTalks

This is me and my sis, whose birthday is tomorrow. This gives you a much better idea of the color. I was a drag queen, in case you were wondering.

by **Dusk** on November 13th, 2010, 1:51 pm

My apologies to everyone for not being around much this week.

School kind of... well, it kind of exploded so hard that it catapulted me into a mid-life crisis. I've been getting about four hours of sleep a night, going to school for six hours a day, and then doing five to ten hours of homework a day. I even had an advisement session where they were like "Oh, you're just now having doubts about your path in life? Well, choose a major before the end of the year or they'll probably cut your financial aid." And another meeting with my professor and my lab instructor where they basically talked to me like I was four years old, told me I was stupid for following the instructions in the lab manual instead of intuitively knowing exactly what they wanted from me, and then when she remembered that I'd missed a lab last week because I was sick she asked me to bring in a note from my mother. I don't think she realizes that I'm older than her. And also that I'm in college, and not fucking kindergarten.

All of which has sent me spiraling into a hugely depressive state of "What the fuck am I doing with my life???" Because I hate school. I hate it with a burning passion. I just... I can't handle being talked down to and treated like an idiot, or being told that it doesn't matter that they didn't explain to me what the expectations for my work is, I should have just known, or that I technically answered the question correctly by working out the equations but I should have explained WHY I used that equation even though it said nowhere on the test that a paragraph of explanation was required. School has officially made me hate science - I don't want to do it anymore, every bit of love I had for the field of medicine and scientific discovery has been snuffed out by the complete assholism of all of my science professors. Nothing I do at all seems to make me able to learn whatever they want me to learn in whatever way they want me to learn, and it's tainted everything for me. I've had three straight semesters of feeling like this, and I have to take at least one more semester of Chemistry with the same professor. And at the end of it, I hate science. But, you know, my whole life plan circled around becoming either a PA or a nurse - but now I want nothing to do with either undergraduate or graduate level sciences. So... where does that leave me? I spent two years after high school pursuing a fiction writing degree only to be told over and over that my stuff was okay, but not in any way original or something that people would buy. I spent the next ten years working my ass off at corporate jobs figuring maybe I could just work and be happy, and at the end of that I was seriously considering a week in Bellevue. So I decided that what I really wanted to do, what I'd always really wanted to do, was something in the medical field. So I quit my job and went back to school... and now I hate it. I just feel like I'll never figure out what I want, or I'll find something I want again and not be smart enough or capable enough to accomplish it. And I know this is something that many people go through, I just can't figure out how to get myself through it. Because right now, the despair is kind of all-encompassing. The fact that I get out of bed every day is sort of shocking to me, but I do it and that's a small victory.

And on top of that, my best friend's relationship is slowly falling apart, and rather than just end it while it's still amicable she's trying to fix it - only, he's got the IQ of a chimpanzee and the manipulative power of an evil toddler, so I'm watching it slowly turn into an emotionally abusive relationship for her. And I really, really want to go beat the ever-living shit out of him. I'm so furious at the things he says to her and the way he guilt-trips her into giving him what he wants that I am literally having fantasies about bringing some hard pipe-hitting motherfuckers down there with a couple of blowtorches and going medieval on his ass. Because my friend is nothing like me - where I am a bitter, sarcastic bitch, she is really sensitive and caring and cries every time she sees, like, a homeless person or a kid with Down Syndrome because it makes her sad. I love her for being all those things and reminding me that it's okay for people to be that way instead of it being a weakness... and if that sleezy piece of shit she calls a boyfriend ends up putting her on the train to Bittertown, I will destroy him.

And as if that wasn't enough, I joined a gym, so I've been spending two hours a day exercising. Which means I'm sore and tired and my pile of dirty laundry smells even worse.

So yeah. It's been a rough week for me, but I only plan to leave the house to go to the gym today, and not at all tomorrow, so you can trust that I will be replying to every single open thread I have in the next two days, and hopefully plowing through some XP awards as well. And if I pop onto chat, give me many hugs. Because I need them. *grumbles*

by **Siiri** on November 13th, 2010, 5:26 pm

Aww, hang in there darlin'. *hugs*

And if you want a pick-me-up, I have a friend friend waiting for you to call him...

by **Dusk** on December 7th, 2010, 5:22 am

Sweet sugar-coated Jesus.

So I just finished over four hours in the library doing Chemistry homework, and I literally feel as if my brain is numb. Everything is sort of foggy around the edges and nothing makes sense. But I treated myself to an expensive dinner at a French restaurant to make me feel better about the whole thing. I have to keep motivated somehow.

I have one week of school left. Here's my schedule:

Tomorrow - Five chapters of Precalculas homework to finish before the end of the day. Also, I have to pick up my new phone from FedEx and go Christmas shopping for my best friend. Go home and clean and pull out Christmas decorations, and hopefully get a tree.
Wednesday - Practice Exam for Chemistry. More homework due. Hosting Christmas dinner party for friends.
Thursday - Precalculas test. Must find time to do laundry, because this is the day I run out of clean underwear.
Friday - Last part of Chemistry lab for twenty page lab report.
Saturday - Five chapters of Precalculas homework to finish before the end of the day.
Monday - Lab report due. Spanish practice exam. Precalculas review for final. Meet another friend for dinner before she goes out of town.
Tuesday - Precalculas final
Thursday - Spanish final
Friday - Go to visit my family for our annual Christmas weekend.
Monday - Chemistry final

That... is a lot in a small amount of time. I feel like I should be freaking out more, but all I can do is stare at my hands and wonder how in god's name I thought going back to school was a good idea. But then I remember that the alternatives were continuing to work dead-end shit jobs, or crawling under my bed and never coming out. Which puts things in perspective, and I sigh and go back to work.

Let me take this opportunity to thank everyone in Mizahar for, well, just being you. Everyone has been incredibly supportive of everything I've done both in character and as a DS. Every single time I sign online, I get the warmest welcome I could ever hope for. I have friends here, people I can talk to when things are going well and when they're in the toilet, and that means a lot to me. I feel blessed every day to have found a place where I can not only be creative, but I can contribute to others' creativity, and at the same time have this incredible support structure as a person instead of just as a player. So... yeah. Love you guys.

But now I have to sleep. Because if I don't, I'm going to kill people tomorrow, and no one wants me to have a felony conviction. I really like voting.

by **Eanos** on December 7th, 2010, 1:00 pm

We love you too you know.

xx

by **Dusk** on December 7th, 2010, 5:27 pm

I forgot I have a Chemistry test on Friday.

*laughs maniacally, chokes on it and dies*

by **Dusk** on December 11th, 2010, 12:06 am

I've been trying to remember that it's the holidays. School is sort of ruining that, and my holiday spirit as well. I actually cried during my test today. How crazy is that? But I have since lounged on my couch and watched In Plain Sight and ate a bunch of triscuits and cheese, and I feel a little better. I have a lot of work to do this weekend - a lot of work - but what I really want to do is get a Christmas tree tomorrow. I want to buy a shit-ton of twinkle lights and hang them all over the place. I want to wrap my friends' presents and pile them under the tree. I want to wrap some other stuff that's just laying around my room so the tree looks especially home-y.

And not because Christmas means anything to me - it doesn't, really, never has. It was never a big holiday among my family, and once I got out of junior high it never really mattered. I've only spent maybe one holiday with my family in the last decade. But there's something... eternally cheerful about Christmas. Something magical, that makes me feel good about life, even if I don't feel so great about it the other 11 months of the year. Maybe it's because I don't have any family connection to the holiday. No drama involved to screw it up, right?

It's sparkly and pretty, and it makes me feel all warm.

So I'm gonna step back from all the craziness of school and take a little while to enjoy the holiday. I'm going to put tinsel on a tree, and have a cup of coffee, and most of all I'm going to relax. And remember how to smile. I feel like I haven't smiled enough lately. So wish me luck, my loves, and if the relaxation sets in I'll try to make some posts and get the creative juices flowing again! Thanks again for your continued patience, and happy holidays!

by **Stitch** on December 11th, 2010, 1:13 am

Can I get you this for Christmas, Duskie? <33

by **Dusk** on December 11th, 2010, 2:32 am

....Stitch. Darling. Now that I know that exists, I will cry if you don't.

Also, I spent tonight watching The Family Stone, and am about to start watching Love Actually. I feel sooooo much better already!