[Dusk's Scrapbook] New beginnings

[Dusk]

Honey Badger Don't Give A Shit For those of you who were in chat last night, you know that I pulled an all-nighter to prepare for my Psych test today. I'm not even sure why I bothered. I was done with the test in about 15 minutes. Which I'm grateful for, because if I'd been confused about it I probably would have just tried to fill in the scantron bubbles with the blood of my enemies. I was pretty cracked out. Plus all the Spanish homework I did? She didn't even collect it. Boooo. Had a pretty great day actually until I started home. See, when I left my house it was 65 and a little gray but nothing untoward. When I got out of class, it had dropped down to 45 and the sky had opened up to pour freezing god-damned rain down upon the city. And there I was in a long-sleeved t-shirt and wearing my grumpypants. Finally got home around 10pm, started to make some pasta for dinner, and halfway through I clumsily dumped half the jar of sauce on the floor. Have you ever dumped vodka sauce on the floor? It looks like the morning-after at a frat party. It hit the floor and splattered everywhere and basically looked like someone had vommed all over my kitchen. Not cool. I managed to clean everything up, but by that time i wasn't even hungry anymore. Blech. I ate anyway because I've apparently lost five pounds this week and that's a bit more than is healthy. I also swallowed the last ounce of my dignity and ended up getting a part-time job. See, I used to work for this detective agency (not nearly as fun as you'd think) doing dictation for them. It was a horrible job because you're not allowed to us the internet or have music or take more than a five minute break. They're like Nazis with shittier fashion sense. And they pay crap and they argue with you all the time, and it's basically just a swirling vortex of suck. I would've kept working their anyway, except I took a week off to go take care of my grandfather when he got sick, and brought in a friend of mine to fill in for me. And they decided they liked her better, so they kept her. She was mortified, but honestly she needed the money more than me so I didn't hold it against her at all. I was glad to not be there anymore. Well, they asked her last week if she knew whether I'd be willing to come in and help them deal with a bunch of backlogged paperwork. I vehemently said no. Now, though, with a few days to think about it and stare blankly at my dwindling bank account, I have reconsidered. So I emailed her today and basically put aside the last remnants of my pride and asked if they still needed help. They do, so I get to go in tomorrow and have them pretend like they missed me, and I'll pretend like I missed them, and just hope they hand me at least fifty bucks when I walk out the door. I feel like I'd probably be better off sucking dick in a truckstop, but you do what you have to in this shitty economy I guess. It is a good thing, I'm just not happy about having to do it. So I'm trying not to be ungrateful, and be an adult. So tomorrow I have to get up early and do some Spanish homework, then go work 11-5 for those douchebags, and then come home and study for my other Psych test that's happening Thursday. And if I get enough studying done, I may end up working for them again Thursday afternoon but I don't want to make any promises until I know that I can pass the test. Then Friday I'll be at the lab at 8am to finish the rest of my Spanish homework and write my other paper for Blacks, then take the test and turn in the paper. And then I have Spring Breeeeeeeak. I can't wait. I may end up working through most of the first week, but I will also be going to the beach if it's warm enough and doing a bunch of work on Miz. My vacations from school always end up being a big development time for me, so here's hoping I can get some stuff done with that. I have so many squires now, I need to finish getting the Wikis up for all the different companies. And I need to reply to all the threads. And and and. Oh! Another good thing: I followed your advice and went back to black for my hair. Unfortunately the severe bleaching I've been doing to it made it a bit color resistant, so there's still some lights spots. I'm gonna wait two weeks and dye it again once it's in better shape. Luckily my hair is made of silk and sunshine, so chemicals don't really damage it. Thank god. Anyway, here is a photo for those of you who've been begging: I know I look grumpy and I've got bags under my eyes, but I'd been up for two days. Gimmie a break. Also, because it entertains me, I present to you the Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger. Honey Badger don't give a shit, it just takes what it wants. Love you guys.

[Dusk]

Hey guys. I wanted to write up an apology for not posting lately. I was supposed to post all week. Every day, I opened your threads and got ready to post. I even updated my Office list of threads I have to post to to include everything I could possible reply to. I had every intention of replying to them all. And then I opened up the thread, and put in the frame and color codes, and just stared blankly at it for a half-hour, and hour, sometimes two. I would start a sentence, and then my brain would stutter and fumble and I'd quickly erase it for fear that it would just be shit, and whoever had been waiting three weeks on a reply from me would be enraged to finally see an update to their thread only to discover shit. So I'm going to write tomorrow. I'm going to avoid doing Easter Dinner dishes, and I'm going to print out everything I'm supposed to reply to, and I'm going to write it all out manually. That way I have no distractions, only clean white paper, and I can just type it up real quick once I'm done. I've never tried this before, but I've also never so thoroughly choked on my own imagination before, so here's hoping it works out. I suppose you'll all find out tomorrow night, huh? But yes. All that to say - I'm sorry. I'm a crap DS sometimes, I know, but I really do try.

[Tarot]

Put the frame code last. It makes all the difference for me! I find it distracting on some subconscious level: it breaks the magic of the blank page.

[Dusk]

Hey folks! I'm just letting you know that I'm going hardcore into finals right now so I won't be around for about a week or so. If you need anything, you can talk to my lovely Minions and I'm sure they'll be able to help. I will try to answer PMs in a timely fashion, but I probably won't be making any posts at all until next week. Sorry for the delays, and I'll see you guys on the other side!

[Dusk]

Okay, traveling is over, my move is done, I have a new roommate of awesomesauce best-friendery, and I think I can take a breath now. So. I'ma get back to this whole Mizahar thing. Expect some replies this weekend!

[Dusk]

Hello, folks. I know, I know. I've been sitting here trying to come up with some way to explain where I've been. Yes, I'm going to school full-time and it's killing my brain. Yes, I'm working almost full-time and I hate my boss so hard that I actively wish him to get testicular cancer every single day. Yes, I have a boyfriend that takes up a good bit of my time. Yes, I have an active social life that also requires I pay attention to it. But the reality of it is that I could still find time to write. I mean, I found time to watch the entirety of Dr. Who and Torchwood this semester. So what is my deal? Well, even I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. And then my friend posted this on Tumblr: As for discipline – it’s important, but sort of over-rated. The more important virtue for a writer, I believe, is self-forgiveness. Because your writing will always disappoint you. Your laziness will always disappoint you. You will make vows: “I’m going to write for an hour every day,” and then you won’t do it. You will think: “I suck, I’m such a failure. I’m washed-up.” Continuing to write after that heartache of disappointment doesn’t take only discipline, but also self-forgiveness (which comes from a place of kind and encouraging and motherly love). The other thing to realize is that all writers think they suck. When I was writing “Eat, Pray, Love”, I had just as a strong a mantra of THIS SUCKS ringing through my head as anyone does when they write anything. But I had a clarion moment of truth during the process of that book. One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write. So I put my head down and sweated through it, as per my vows. ~Elizabeth Gilbert And that's when I realized that the reason I haven't been writing is that I've felt so awful about not writing. I got busy this summer with working full-time and trying to piece my adult life together that when I finally got my shit together, I felt so bad about the time I'd been away and the people I'd neglected that I couldn't bring myself to post because I didn't know how to forgive myself for my absence. The irony is that I'm likely the only one who hated me for it. And I did. "Hate" is not too strong a word for what I feel when I think about how many people I've left just sitting around waiting for replies or for things to get graded or for lores to be written. But everyone I've talked to - and who have been integral in getting me back into writing - has had nothing but awesome things to say. Dani, Katie, Mish, Jen... everyone has been so incredibly encouraging and completely forgiving. And it wasn't until I read that quotation that I realized that it was me who wasn't forgiving me. And I still haven't. I still feel like a complete failure and a shitty DS, even though I know in my mind that I'm really not that bad. Or maybe I am, and my friends are just lying to me. But regardless, I am going to put my head down as sweat through it, as per my vows. I'm going to rock the ever-living fuck out of Syliras, and maybe, maybe somewhere along the way I'll forgive myself and feel like a real writer again.

[Xalet]

I'm not going to lie, the fact that you're back with vigor and intensity makes my man eyes tear. OH DUSK YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

I always knew it was going to happen eventually though, and I pledged that Xalet would be Knight material when you did. Well, I'm almost there! Praise to you, oh deity of Syliras.

[Rhuryc]

I was going to write something, but gifs are far more expressive.

[Dusk]

Total GPOY.

[Caelum]

My darling Selena, We met as writers. We have met since as friends of friends. We have become awesome friends to each other. We have written entire families, histories, wars, kingdoms and worlds together. When I think of Selena, I think of Phenomenal Writer (right after I think of kick ass friend, Bloody Marys and Wakey-Wakey-Eggs-And-Bacy). The word “failure” never even comes to mind. Well, unless you mean failing at being a loser. Also, I said I would throw you a party. I meant it. This means It’s party time, people! Excellent! I’ve got the bar and the streamers. Quick, someone with the cake! - katie.