[Issues found by Traverse] Feonr

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Feonr

Postby Feonr on July 20th, 2014, 8:34 pm

FEONR



RACE: Ethaefal

GENDER: Male

AGE: 23 (Mizahar)

BIRTHDAY:
33, spring, 491

APPEARANCE

It is said that he came at night. His long brown cloak with golden threads was fluttering in the wind. Around his neck was wrapped golden scarf, covering part of his face. Stranger’s steps were fast. His black shoes were hitting stone-paved street with metallic sound. He entered "Desert’s Jewel" the infamous inn known from its bad ale and unpleasant atmosphere. Every pair of eyes in the room was on him. Strangers were rare sight in this part of the world such a weird looking stranger even more rare. His face was almost completly covered by scarf. His long black hair and stubble was making him look like a beggar. The glow from his blue eyes was piercing through guests. He walked straight to innkeeper and ordered a room. When he was removing his scarf he revealed big grin. It was smile full of mischief, joy and interest.
The next morning noble looking person walked from his room. Altough his face was hidden under the hood one could tell that he was highborn. His slander hands was barely visasble from long sleves of his coat. And when the man opened the door and the fresh breeze lift his hood , someone catch a glimpse of blond flock. Another one saw twisted horn like shape growing from the middle of his head. After that day the town gained a new legend. Legend about the noble wanderer and his night hunts.


CHARACTER HISTORY

Ideality. Earth creatures are trying to achieve it no matter how difficult it would be. But is it even possible? Are so-called perfect beings truly perfect? Is perfection something we should crave for?

These thoughts were gathering in Feonr’s mind when he was walking through the realm of the gods. Day after day he was forced to watch the same scenery of this never changing land. World of always proud Gods and numerous foolish and devoted souls surrounding them. Altough beautifull and mysterious this realm was like see shell. Beautifull on the outside - empty inside.
When the nights were cold and sky was clear, Feonr used to sit and look at the world below. He knew that inhabitants of earth were always mesmerized by the view of the night sky. For them Welkin filled with stars was mysterious and ideal place where gods dwell. He couldn’t understand it. Unmoved by the view spreading around him he was envy of the creatures living on earth. He was envy of their life, of their world and of all pleasures they have. During night similar to that his desire was born. He wanted to live among living. He wanted to learn all he could learn, and taste all pleasures he could taste. His egocentric desires were unlimited. In the end he wished to be able to learn and experience everything…

… It was then when he heared it. Mysterious sound started to surround him. It was both surreal and beautiful. Unremitting words were touching very essence of his soul again and again.
‘Art thou the one who seek truth? Art thou the one who seeks fulfillment?’
He looked around to find the source of this sound only to find that he is alone.
‘Who are you?’ he shouted boldly ‘Show yourself!’ There was no respond. Thick fog started to cover the whole area. After a while he couldn’t see anything and the only sound he could hear was flowing river. Suddenly a silhouette started to arise from mist.
‘Greetings, you, who do not fear gods. I am Tanroa. Your wish shall be granted. But everything comes with a prize. Are you prepared for this sacrifice? ‘When she was speaking her body became completely visible. It was a woman. Feonr tried to look at her but her black eyes were intimidating even for non-believer and blasphemer like him. He gathered all his courage and asked again
‘What do you want from me?’
‘I am here to grant thee wish. I will give thou opportunity to learn and live in earth land. Thou will possess power to SEE’.
Feonr was hesitating for a moment and then ask.
‘Are you able to do it?
‘Most importantly art thou able to sacrifice thee present self for the sake of journey through time and space? I sensed that thou can have great impact on the flow of time. That’s why I’ve chosen thou. I will ask one last time. Are you ready for sacrifice?’
Despite fear and hesitation he answered right away. It could be the power of the goddess but in this very moment he decided his fate.
‘I am’
‘Very well. Now I shall place my mark on thou. It will grant thou some of my powers and help you through the journey. I already took the price. From now on thou are forbidden from entering the land of gods. Also thou present form will be lost. Forever. But do not worry. Every end is also a beginning. Farwell then’
The goddess touched Feonr’s naked arm. He started to feel dizzy and drowsy. The last thing he saw until he lost consciousness was red mark appearing on his arm , and warm smile of the goddess.


CHARACTER CONCEPT

For those who first meet him, Feonr is a cheerful middle-aged man. Clever and somehow handsome, he is said to be good drinking companion. Not many know about his past and his desire to know the world. He is traveling around the Mizahar in order to fulfill those desires. Only sometimes he became sad. Sometimes he regret the life he lost forever

LANGUAGE

Fluent Language: Common
Basic Language: Kontinese
Poor Language: Nari


POSSESSIONS

-Black Shirt
-Worn out Pants
-Brown cloak with golden threads
-Black leather Boots
1 Backpack which contains:
-Soap
-Razor
-2 loans of bread
-butter
-cheese
-1 eating knife
-Flint & Steel
-100 Gold Mizas


HEIRLOOM

- golden scarf

SKILS

Skill EXP TOTAL Proficiency
Projection 30 SP 30 Competent
Drawing 5 SP 5 Novice
Singing 5SP 5 Novice
Flux 5SP 5 Novice
Persuasion 5SP 5 Novice
Astrology 10RB 10 Novice


LORES

Lore of Zeltivan Culture
Lore of History of Zeltiva


HOUSING

Simple flat in the outskirts of Zeltiva.(furnished living room with kitchen, bedroom and bathroom )

LEDGER

Purchase Cost Total
Starting +100GM 100GM


THREADS LIST

n/a


Secret :
As you can see my writing style is a mess. I'm trying my best but if anyone find something akward let me know, I will change it immediately : ) .
Last edited by Feonr on July 30th, 2014, 9:32 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Feonr
Player
 
Posts: 11
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Joined roleplay: July 18th, 2014, 11:01 am
Race: Ethaefal
Character sheet

Feonr

Postby Traverse on July 30th, 2014, 5:45 pm

Image
Hello Feonr,

Alright there are a few pretty big discrepencies with this CS that need ironing out before I can give you a green check mark.

  • Description: While I don't dislike the style you have chosen to explain Feonr, it does make discerning what he actually looks like pretty confusing. You also don't explain what race he is in his earthbound form, I assume human but you don't explicitly state this. You also say something about a horn sprouting from the middle of his head, implying he only has one, which doesn't match up with Eth lore.

  • History: Ethaefal's are so mopey and angsty because they do not know why they've fallen, and they are beautiful creatures that once lived among the Gods and suddenly have this giant void where that life once was. You can't make an Eth that chose to leave what is essentially heaven. In addition you must submit a Gnosis story into the HD for approval. I would suggest re-reading Tanroa's lore and adding more detail to it before you do so as Gods dont generally just tell folks they're going to be important, its up to the PC to be important and thus gain the attention of the Gods.

  • Skills: Eloquence is not a skill. I would suggest swapping that out for Rhetoric or Skill List for something comprable

Once these things have been ironed out I will give you your green check, and feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns.

-Traverse
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Traverse
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