by Raiha on November 19th, 2010, 7:50 am
Kanikra watched and stood silently, tension seeping slowly from her frame. Gold eyes observed the dancing shadows, watching and drinking in every nuance of the goddess’s appearance, from her dark skin to the shadows that danced around her, to those deep, fathomless eyes, and the very way she moved… when she moved at all. She had a particular stillness to her, one that Kanikra liked and appreciated. She didn’t waste her energy doing useless, silly movements… but the ones she did make were the ones you had to pay attention to. But she was right. Even the smallest action created some sort of reaction. It was true of djed, and it was true in life.
Did she try to separate herself from her mother’s people? Of course she did, but it was for a good reason. And it was a good reason… wasn’t it? Kanikra had always thought so, and had clung to those reasons like the lifelines they offered. Raiha was already weak and tainted and complacent, and for both of them to be so in a world where every danger, imagined and otherwise, lurked around each and every corner, waiting for the unaware, ignorant fool to come around the bend and walk into some trap or ambush that they could never, and would never, suspect was coming. That was where she came in. Kanikra trusted no one. Raiha’s gullibility had had to be made up for somehow.
Because she kept herself separate and away from the weakening influence of the Konti… because she had only seen and had, really, a few Akalak as tutors growing up, Kanikra had had a great deal of respect for them. Not to the point of idolation, of course. That was reserved for the gods, if at all. She might have aspired to be more like the Akalak in order to try to undo the damage Mura had inflicted with their soft ways, their blissful, deliberate ignorance of the world off of Konti Isle. They believed they were valuable to others and would be protected by them because they were precious, fragile flowers, and they left their lives to chance… where the Akalak trained and embraced the knowledge that there was life out there that would happily take theirs.
But the Akalak, Kanikra had noticed when the Akontak left Sanctuary and went into the city, had their own problems too. But what she couldn’t comprehend was why one would stop at the point of equilibrium with their brother when both sides fought all of their lives to tip the scale in their own direction, settling for far less than they were capable of with their attention fractured in all directions. Compromises were meeting in the middle. If you had the opportunity to get everything you wanted out of it… why should you stop short of your goals? Why compromise at all when you could achieve total domination?
Balance, Akajia had said. The two halves didn’t become whole by devouring the other half, like djed-law said they theoretically could. They became whole by joining and fusing together… and perhaps becoming something even greater that way. Was that what she should have been doing, rather than systematically breaking down Raiha, mentally, spiritually and emotionally to try to remove the diseased parts of her sister’s personality? Working with the impurities and polishing, repairing, and filling in the cracks, rather than starting with base material and trying again? That led to structural issues when you left those inherent weaknesses, even if you patched them up and tried to hide them. Someone always found out about them, and then they would add just the right sort of pressure… and the whole thing would come crumbling down about your ears like a fortress made of leaves. Wasn’t it better to purge those faults and weaknesses and rebuild from the ashes?
Apparently not.
She watched as the shadows began to rise and shape themselves at Akajia’s gesture, curious and suspicious just from Akajia’s words. What her heart was clouded by… ice, maybe. She stared, gold eyes widening slightly in surprise as she looked at her mirror image, crafted in shadows, clenching and hefting her mace. Could she fight herself? Of course she could. She knew what she was capable of… maybe not. She hadn’t even had time to raise the mace before the shadow was upon her, surrounding her with the inky darkness. She squinted at her hand in the dark, watching as the shadows seemed to devour her own aura, concealing it, hiding it away in the darkness of the night… much like Akajia hid her own. Small frissons of alarm from Raiha were beginning to shake through to Kanikra, as the rest of her aura seemed to be being covered. What trick was this? Where was…? But it didn’t matter right then. She couldn’t see anything, not even the auras that lit up the darkness - everything had gone black.
She opened her eyes. She was in Mura again… what was she doing here? Hadn’t they gone to Riverfall…? The first thing that struck her was that she was no longer in control. And that began to worry her. Wait… worrying… Oh, Goddess. She was feeling things now that she had only experienced secondhand before, and Kanikra did not like it. How could she judge perfection if she had her own flaws that she couldn’t see? Kavala had said she was… broken, wasn’t it…? Was she broken? Kanikra was beginning to realize just how much she hated the feeling of doubt. The lack of confidence in her convictions, in herself, in her ability to accomplish anything at all. The worry about what Raiha would do… could do… when the mood struck her. She didn’t get why her twin acted this way. But at the same time, she couldn’t prevent herself from asking, almost pleading… Why? she asked Raiha, knowing the answer she would get… because it was the same answer that she, herself, used to give.
Because something has to make you realize the world doesn’t work so smoothly, Raiha practically purred, pressing against Kanikra’s subconscious, just to give her the feeling of being cornered. There was a cold, unfeeling, uncaring numbness that was beginning to well up inside of her. When will you realize just what waits for us out there? When will they see it? Never, Kanikra. It’s too late for them, wrapped up in their cozy little worlds of dreams and fantasy and beauty and sunshine. We could give them a bit of a jolt to help them… because you want to help people, don’t you? Help them by showing them what really lurks beyond the limits of their so-called sight. Despite her words, despite the animosity, Raiha felt fear at the sheer feeling of control and her ability to dominate her sister, to push her around if she felt like it… and wasn’t sure she liked it. Was it worse than not having it? She could squash her sister-soul like a bug under her heel. And then there was everything else that waited... those who would torture them, enslave them, kill them... just waiting for their opportunity. But that fear was fading away to a cold, unfeeling, uncaring numbness that was beginning to well up inside of her, draining her of her emotions, leaving her with a hollow emptiness inside.
But with that emptiness… she felt enhanced, in a way. Why hadn’t she been able to see things like that before? Maybe Kanikra had been right… and emotions really were a hindrance. They didn’t colour anything now. She could see beyond what others needed and wanted… and she could choose for herself. Was that better or worse than it had been? Raiha faltered, considering things almost mechanically. The inability to feel led to an inability to relate to anyone… producing a failure to care at all about what someone may have wanted or thought. It was predatory. Oh, the possibilities of just playing along, convincing and confusing others… She could get what would be the best for both of them by manipulating others. And by ‘both of them’, she meant her. What was best for her was clearly best for both of them, if Kanikra was so against preserving the pair of them and their conjoined existence.
And at the same time… Kanikra was grappling with the unfamiliar feelings that were coursing through her, bubbling and colliding as she began to lose her iron-clad grip on the control she had had. She felt like she was being crushed, drowning in this sea of alien emotions as they dragged her down and sapped at her strength. What’s the point? she tried to persuade her twin. If they’re all ignorant and never going to change… why waste the energy? What's the point?
It might be too late to save them… not that I’d want to. They’re hopeless and a waste of my time. But you… you might be salvageable yet. We’ll never know unless we try… Raiha goaded her. Or maybe we already know. Where do you think you can go? Are you going to run away from your problems again today? Is it easier than facing them? Have you ever considered it just gives me more time to think up things to do when you’re sleeping and your guard is down? Just because Konti Isle was quiet and sleepy and nothing really happened there didn’t mean it was the same way everywhere else. She had to get them out of here, or else she’d go well and truly insane. The most logical place was Riverfall. They could start a new life there. Sure, it would be a dangerous trip… but it would be worth it to get away from here… to prevent the taint from getting any deeper.
Was this what it was like to be on the receiving end all the time? It was a lot easier, Kanikra realized, to give than it was to get. She found herself wondering how Raiha hadn’t lost it long ago. What would it take to break? She ha asked herself that before. How far did she have to go to snap her out of the emotional wreck that she was? In some ways, she had gone too far, and in some ways, she hadn't gone far enough. Stop it, Kanikra felt almost shaky. Just stop, Raiha. Stop it. Time out… please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. She was. The pangs of remorse and regret were stabbing at her like searing-hot knives. A little part of her knew that save for these mercurial emotions racing through the young Akontak, she wouldn’t be feeling that way. But at the same time, she couldn’t stop them. She could push them back, much as she tried to push her twin back, trying to push her away just to get some breathing room for herself… but the sensations were always there, demanding her attention, insisting she pay attention to them. With those alone, being in Raiha’s place was torture. Just dealing with the relentless animosity, disgust, hatred and at the same time being forced to deal with these feelings... it was too much. Just stop. You’re not yourself. That’s not who you are. This isn’t who I am. But I get it, Raiha. I get it. Just stop, please. I'm sorry.
She had seen it for herself now. She couldn’t take away, force away, the emotions, to strip her sister down to the bones. Because if she did, there would be nothing left. Nothing at all. All the potential that she wanted to get out of Raiha was there all the while. She was just looking at it the wrong way. The cracks in the skeleton could be filled in, protected, by something better than glue. She could fill in those cracks… fuse the two together… create something greater than just the two of them. That was what Kavala had meant. That was what Radris had meant. This was what Akajia meant. Raiha needed her. And she needed Raiha. Not as what Kanikra could mould her into, but as she was now. Both of them had their own flaws, but only by balancing… by walking between the two worlds… could they offset them with each other. Let Raiha deal with the emotions, while she advised and guided and tried to help her see beyond them. The unceasing harassment, the way she strong-armed and forced her sister between her and her Kelvics and all of the strife that came from adolescence was hard enough for her to bear. Those around her would never know just how close the Akontak had come to the brink. They might never know what they had done for the sister souls. “Tell me and I will forget,” the black-skinned, shadow-covered Akontak whispered, having lost her mace, her knees folding beneath her as she hit the ground with a soft thump, looking up at the sky. “Show me, and I may remember. Teach me, and I will understand. I see it. I understand. If I break that structure… then I destroy her completely… with no going back. There is no rebuilding. There is only reinforcement… through balance...”
The first rule of Akajia is you do not talk about Akajia.