[Kendall's Scrapbook] Caught In The Crossfire

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall has clearly taken over my mind lately and has driven me to write a lot of cutesy love poems. I have been putting them on Tumblr but here are a few more that I wrote. Morning Light Goodnight sweet lover May no incubi attack tonight Sleep softly as I lie beside you I’ll make everything alright Don’t let the darkness scare you I’ll keep you safe and sound No one will dare to touch you Not while I’m around If only I could walk the halls Of the corridors of your mind And mingle with the ghosts that haunt you So you can leave them all behind And if something startles you Or troubles you through the night I’ll be here to guide you Until the morning light This next one was less cutesy but it did make it into Kendall's notebook of poems. And all of the happiness in the world could not make her smile For she does not want money She does not want fame Not even someone to share affection The bottom line is… She cannot find happiness in the world until she can find it in her own reflection

[Kendall Saarinen]

Everything I Ask For Note: I wrote this poem a year ago. It is about my now deceased cat, Salina. She was like a best friend to me and recently I had a dream about her. I often have dreams about her but this one was different. I wrote about it in this thread of Kendall's. It is slightly changed to fit Kendall's story but it is as close to it as I could get from his view point. I just wanted to share it since the poem and the dream hold a lot of significance for me. Thank you for reading. Black fur in the shade Creamy chocolate brown in the sun The world never truly knew me But Salina knew me better than anyone Her paws were as white as ivory Her fur, softer than Cashmere When I felt like the world was falling She made me feel like there was nothing to fear Meow like a beautiful bell Purr like peaceful rolling thunder People say animals have no soul But my Salina would make them wonder There was a light in those yellow-green eyes One that ignorance could not set aflame There was a wrath in her feline words I swear at times she spoke my name When she was young she was wild She wrestled and raged with kitten-esque charm She batted at her sister Morgan But never put her in any harm Her fur looked like a natural tuxedo Minus the shoes and tie Her feet looked like clean white socks Almost as if whoever made her did not have a shoe supply I always told her she had a snowball chin For the innocent fact that her chin looked like a little ball of snow And as I wandered through my childhood She would follow wherever I would go At times I would hold her At times I would cry upon her ebony fur She never ran from my sadness She knew I needed her Things have changed now Now my Salina is gone She could not help it but She had grown old and moved on She could not stay with me Nature had finally caught up with my feline friend And even though I could not let go of her Salina had to come to an end No more petting her midnight fur No more meows that I adore She was everything I could ask for And just a little bit more

[Kendall Saarinen]

Colors When I was young I saw the world in primary colors Everything was so bright and interesting But I was missing many colors I never noticed the absence in my playful endeavors I just ran and played Never aware of the spectrum existing right outside my field of vision Although my imagination was vivid and colorful There was still room to grow But I was blissful… As I got older and moved from elementary school to junior high I could see the color wheel I experimented by mixing the reds, blues, and yellows of my childhood I never mixed them unequally Every proportion needed to be the same As I was endowed with more work and more responsibility I never tried to mix the colors out of proportion I saw green, purple, and orange Never the hues in between I was still too timid to try and push my colors farther But I was happy… The end of middle school onto the end of sophomore year there were no colors There was black and white And if I was lucky, grey I had lost sight of the colors I had held so close And depression took their place Even my clothing lost color And turned jet black At times the color would try to creep back But I had built a wall around me The color could not find its way back At times they would sneak through the cracks Shining like rainbows in a perfect storm But I was depressed… Now that I am older the colors have returned with a vengeance When once they were simple colors Now they are brilliant hues rushing through the wind Dancing through rays of light But mostly flowing through my hands And painting masterpieces through my words Although my pencil marks are grey They paint a spectrum across the walls of the mind Playing behind the reader’s eyes like a lively kitten Showing a world that no one has yet to see Although I am not a painter I am an artist I know see the equilibrium between the color and black and white And I am content…

[Kendall Saarinen]

Arrivals and Departures Note: I wrote this short story about a year ago in my creative writing class. I found it when I cleaned out my room at my dad's and I wanted to share it with everyone. We were told to write a flash story, a story that starts in the middle and goes on from there. The story was based off of the song "To Build a Home" by Cinematic Orchestra (the song above). The song has always been very meaningful for me and I wanted to try to turn it into a story. It is actually one of the few times where I wrote a story from the viewpoint of a female. I hope everyone likes it. Thank you for reading. Finally Victoria had made it to the home. She had been away for far longer than she wanted to think of. Now she was at her favorite place in the world, the garden behind her grandparent’s house. Everything about her grandparent’s house seemed so mystical. They lived out in the woods in a beautiful stone house. It was a sight to behold regardless if one was interested architecture or not. Out behind the house was a large garden that looked like it was taken straight out of a fairy tale. It was decorated with flowers, bushes, and even a bubbling river. Although Victoria was a nervous girl, she found solace in this place. After all this time she got to see the garden again. She never thought she would. “How does it look Toria?” Her mother asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. Victoria smiled as she looked out at the lush garden. “Just as beautiful as it was when I left. I’m glad to be back.” She said softly. She already could feel the tears bubbling up. It was a bit of a bittersweet reunion after all that had happened but the two took it for what it was, a homecoming long overdue. Her mother placed a hand on her shoulder and turned toward the house. “Well whenever you are ready, I’m sure everyone would love to see you inside. We all missed you while you were away.” She said quietly. Victoria turned to her mother, holding her in a warm embrace. “Thank you mom, I’ll be in soon. I just want to be here for a while, let things soak back in you know?” She said with a bit of a forced smile. Her mother nodded and headed to the house. Finally, Victoria was alone again in the garden. Everything felt exactly as it had been before Victoria went away. The garden had not changed but she clearly had. She walked through the garden running her fingers over all that they could touch. She breathed in the fragrant air of the flowers that surrounded her with a light smile. Victoria had not come to her grandparent's garden since she was little and she thought for sure she would never get the chance to visit it again. Yet, there she was, walking through the land of her childhood. The sights and smells started to work back into the places where absences had formed. Everything had stayed the same but she had changed. As Victoria went further into the garden she began to seek out her favorite place. When she was young she would climb one of the trees with her cousin Ryan and the two would look out over the world around them. They would sit together talking and hold tight to the branches when the wind started to pick up, scared that they might get blown away. Ryan had been her best friend in those days. It had been so long since she had seen him. Slowly, Victoria walked forward towards the tree. The flowers at the base of the trunk tickled her bare feet as she stepped carefully around them. She could recall the time her grandmother had scorned them for stepping on her flowers and so from that point on Ryan had carried her over them, making sure if anyone was to take the blame, it would be him. Now it was only Victoria to face the sea of petals alone. The wood was rough against Victoria's hands just as she remembered as she began to climb. She minded the bark, making sure her dress did not catch upon it as she scaled the tree. The climb was short, or at least it seemed shorter than it had once been. It could have just been because she was older now. Time seemed to pass so much quicker. As she situated herself on one of the top branches of the tree she felt sixteen again with Ryan. Ryan had been the reason that Victoria had kept away from the garden for so long. She sat up in the tree and looked out over the garden. She saw the same fields of flowers where she had chase Ryan around as a child. The same rushing river that she and her cousin had tried to race homemade boats on. Off further in the distance, she looked out at the acres of forests that surrounded her grandparents' house. It was the first time she had viewed this scene without her cousin. The tears came, Victoria knew they would. Ryan needed to be there with her. She missed him with all her heart. Behind her, Victoria could hear someone scaling the tree. Her heart skipped a beat as she heard them, a small smile twitching at her lips. "Victoria, I knew I would find you here!" A familiar voice called. "Every time you come here I end up finding you in this tree." She wiped her tears away as she turned to face the man that was climbing up beside her. The man sat beside her, wrapping his arm around her affectionately. "Toria, how are you feeling?" he asked. She sniffled as she ran her hands over her dress, trying to smooth out the fabric. "You know, same old stuff." She said with a small smile. He smiled back at her as he looked her over. He knew her all too well and more so, he knew that she had come to the tree for a reason. "Things have not been the same since Ryan committed suicide. I'm sure you know that better than anyone though. You are his brother after all John." She said. John sighed as he looked out to the horizon. "Well, I meant about your sudden disappearance. Are you okay? You left right after Ryan… passed. No one ever heard from you again." He asked with a worried look. Victoria felt more tears rolling down her cheeks as she turned to face John. "I joined the army to try and get answers. I hoped if something… went wrong… you know, I'd… see Ryan again." Victoria said with clenched fists clutching at her dress. "I never wanted to come back."

[Harper]

EEEEEEK, hi. :3 I guess I'm just stopping by to say hello and stuffs. And I found picturez that I thought you might like~ Okay yeah that's basically it. C: And btw I'll be the best intern you've ever had, I promise you that. Okie bye.

[Kendall Saarinen]

This is a poem that I hold need and dear to my heart. I have it hanging on my dresser (or at least I hope it is still there. My dad might have thrown it out after I moved out) and I read it whenever I feel under the weather or just plain hopeless. It is beautiful and so wonderfully written. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I do. Dear Ginsberg By Brian Martinez Dear Ginsberg, I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and sent it to the sky, through my eyes and to the nearest stars and with pupils, opened wide, i cried and cried, unashamed, uninhibited. the angels read aloud to Ginsberg sitting in some heavenness sky. I proclaim oh Ginsberg you made me weep and weep the teary-est tears for all my years, although only twenty, I aged with you and sat in my skin rocking and creaking like nana's old rocking chair. And a soft chuckle, short gasps of breath that otherwise would have been the screams of beauty like some lonely streetlight that begs to be stood under, orange skinned and orange tinged... And to here you sacrifice yourself time and time again and splattered`your bloody ink and your invisible soul to me and to others and i wiped my eyes once again... I proclaim oh Ginsberg, You made me wish for a soft body, and soft hair, naked touches, and the power of the nail that scratches and marks the skin and be handled and and and and, for the cool soft sweat and shivers under the covers... You made me want to jump off balconies and out of windows testing the limits of constructed worlds and falsehoods that look like movie sets, and find the rubber airbags to catch me, and say ha! I knew it! Ginsberg, I apologize for stealing your style, I promise I'm not making a dime... Ginsberg, how am I supposed to write what you have already wrote? How will I see everything anew, and fresh, will they come to me? Or will I have to dig under the graves of dead plants, dead water to see a reflection, a simile, a verse? No wait, Ginsberg, don’t tell, don’t kiss, don’t, kiss and tell, stay silent, I don’t want to know, I want to know, but I want to know… I’ll know when I see it, when I feel it, when I smell it, and when I do, I’ll weep for me, weep for you, weep for the world weep for everything imaginable, weep for dusty roads, and highways, weep for new clouds, and new adventures, weep for weep, weep for weep’s sake, for this I will sleep and wake. Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Today in the Crossfire… I'm not going to let that title catch on. It's cheesy… I needed a cute title though because this post is too important not to have one! I wanted to post about a song that I absolutely love. It's called "I Hope That Somethin' Better Comes Along" from The Muppet Show and is sung by Rowlf the Dog and Kermit the Frog. My family was always pretty into Disney and the Muppets (more so Disney by a long shot though). I grew up with a stuffed Kermit always sitting in my crib and he still remains on my bed at the age of 17 (almost 18 but who's countin'?). My mom would wind the cog up on is back and it would play "The Rainbow Connection". To this day, that song makes me cry because of that (happy tears of course!). I'm getting on a tangent but I just wanted to explain my Muppety background. Anyways, back to what I made this post about. While "I Hope Somethin' Better Comes Along" isn't exactly the most romantic song I'm pretty sure I'd swoon for a person who played it for me. It is really pretty in it's own silly and gruff way (Rowlf is a little gruff for those who don't keep up with the Muppets). It is a song full of puns (and we all know how much I love puns). They play off of the fact that Rowlf and Kermit are a Dog and a Frog (respectively) and I think it's completely genius. Some of my favorite lines are: Rowlf: "Ah, but what could be better than a saucy Irish setter When puppy love comes on strong? Or a collie that's classy, a laddie needs a lassie, A lover and wife gives you a new leash on life." Kermit: "I don't mean to scare ya, my friend, but I betcha Come "Father's Day", the litter bug's gonna getcha;" Kermit: "There's no limitation to mixin' and matchin'. Rowlf: "Some get an itchin' for a critter they've been scratchin'. A skunk was badgered the results were strong. I hope that somethin' better, [comes along]" See! Super cute, right? The whole song is really nice. Just two broken hearted dudes singing together while being accompanied by a piano. Recently I heard a cover of it done by Mat Nathanson which was really good. I'll post both the original and the cover for those who don't like Muppety voices The cover is on my Tumblr, here. It is clear to see that it is my Tumblr since it blabbers on about X-Men. That's all for now. 'Til next time my friends!

[Kendall Saarinen]

A Better View of the Moon "Since my house burned down, I now own a better view Of the rising moon" -Japanese Haiku (This pic sorta looks like a mix of Sitka's two forms, not that there actually is one…) I made a cross section for Kendall so I decided to make one for Sitkanis, my Lethaefal. He is actually the character that I have had the longest and not retired. I never thought I would make an Ethaefal. They looked difficult to play as and back when I made him, there was only one other active Ethaefal. He was supposed to be made with another Ethaefal but sadly, the person who was supposed to play her fell through. Shit happens, I still love Sitkanis regardless. Anyways, here is some stuff about my Ethaefal. I don't know if anyone will read this (or care) but it contains a lot of things that his CS does not state. Mostly because he does not know these things himself. Sitkanis is an Ethaefal that has fallen from Leth's realm. He was a Emerald Clan Drykas from the Runningwind pavilion in his past life. Much like Kendall, Sitkanis is sort of like two people, only it is a little different from Kendall situation. There is a Drykas and the Ethaefal. The rough and wild and the beautiful and celestial. While Sitkanis believes that he is truly a Drykas, even when his nightly form says differently, he is actually mistaken. His memories, even after a year since falling, have not shown him much as to what his past life was. He knows he was Drykas and he knows he was a father. Other than that, most things are very foggy. To better understand Sitkanis, one needs to understand both sides of him. First off, the side most people are familiar, the Ethaefal. (Please note, his personality does not change with form. The Ethaefal refers to his current self and The Drykas refers to his past life self.) The Ethaefal Name: Sitkanis Age: 1 year since falling Sitkanis is an extremely angry and irritable person. He does not really get along with others (except a given few) and has little patience. He loathes being an Ethaefal, thinking that it is disgraceful against his Drykas form. He does not like that people find him beautiful at night. At times his personality from his past life seeps into his current personality. It often comes out in spurts, sort of like freudian slips. He doesn't really notice though. Sitkanis is a very ignorant person, although he has a right to be. He does not know a lot past the walls of Denval since he never left the city after falling. He had plans to at one point with a past lover, Adalia but after she left him he abandoned all thoughts of leaving. He claims it is because he thinks the city is beautiful and it can help him to regain his memories. The truth is that he is too scared to be on his own. Recently Sitkanis has come across another Ethaefal, Lysander. He has taken him in and the two claim to be brothers since they are both Ethaefal who fell from Leth's domain. A lot of Sitkanis' past personality has come through because of Lysander. Although Sitkanis claims Lysander is his brother, subconsciously he is using him as a stand in for his son that he had in his life as a Drykas. He is overprotective of him, especially on the topic of innocence. Since Lysander is only fourteen in his day form, Sitkanis feels he needs to protect him or he'll lose him, just like he lost his son (from his death, not his son's). The Drykas Name: Luukas Runningwind Age: 28 First, a little fun fact. Luukas' pavilion name, Runningwind, was the name of one of my favorite character's from "Warriors" by Erin Hunter. Despite the fact that Sitkanis claims to have been a "honorable Drykas" in his past life, he really was not the most honorable person. He was a wonderful hunter and provided for his Pavilion to the best of his abilities but who he was as a person was not honorable. Luukas was (and is since he is starting to show himself in Sitkanis) rude, sexist, controlling, manipulative, and lustful. He treated his sons and his animals (Nekara, his dog and Za'rahn, his Strider) wonderfully but he often abused his wife. He saw her as nothing more than a tool to get what he needed, sex, children, and of course a pretty face to parade around Endrykas. He was proud of her, extremely proud of her actually. He wanted to make sure that she knew she was below him. He often would abuse her and shortly after show her love. Luukas was a dedicated man, as well as social (much different from Sitkanis). He was rude to people but he also knew how to talk with them. He was a generally happy person although he got angry very easily. Two as One Luukas has been quiet for a while now. He is Sitkanis but more so, Sitkanis is a very small fraction of who Luukas is. Sitkanis is somewhat like a diluted version of Luukas. He has all of the Drykas' traits but is more moody and quiet. The truth is, the man Sitkanis is becoming is not the Ethaefal or the Drykas. It is Luukas but driven by the need to overpower Sitkanis. He did not like that Sitkanis was so kind to Adalia, his past lover. Because of this, he tries to influence Sitkanis when he is with Astrid to be more aggressive. The influence is silent since Luukas is more of a latent personality than a double personality. In time, Sitkanis will become him but it is still undecided as to when. As time goes on, Sitkanis will remember who he was and become him. Luukas' attributes will most likely worsen now that he is resurfacing in Sitkanis. He will get more aggressive, more lustful, and more controlling. I really don't know how it will effect him or the people around him but it will be interesting. I promise I know he is going to get a bit evil and immoral. I know he will probably hurt a few people. I think he is becoming my outlet for my need to have a crazy person character.

[Bolden Denusk]

Great concept and I love how your imagination is an inspiration for others--oh and *drools* that last pic? nice aaaaaaaaabs!

[Kendall Saarinen]

The Hibernation of the Sarahbear "With so little sleep At least you'd think I'd find some peace in my dreams In my dreams But my mind still winds up on the same thing The same scene The same themes" I just wanted to post on my scrapbook so people don't think I have disappeared from life. I'm so used to being on Mizahar and posting everyday but lately I have not been feeling well. It's nothing bad of course! Probably just some changing season sickness. Because of this I have been sleeping a ton since I still have to force myself to school. I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who. I decided to finally give it a try when I started feeling sickish and now I am a little stuck on it, haha. Anyways, now my thoughts have a British accent. Seriously, I don't watch TV that much but when I do watch TV it seems all I watch is BBC. Skins, Being Human, Doctor Who. Heck, even X-Men has tons of British people in it (not that I'm complaining of course)! On that note, since I am sick, I might watch X-Men (brain storming viewing ideas before I collapse on the couch again). By the time I am well again I'm going to have a British accent, trust me XD Anyways, I hope to be up and posting again tomorrow (Wednesday). If not, Thursday (after all of my family's Rosh Hashana stuff). Now I am going to go watch a movie and try to feel better! Bye everyone <3 And thank you Bold for your comment. It made me feel so happy and good about myself *hugs and cuddles*