by Sairque on January 17th, 2011, 7:47 am
Like debris cleared off by the overflowing river, Sai’s focused expression melted away to reveal wide eyed enthrallment. She did work hard, it was important. I see you…like he nursed a new flame deep in a cold forge, Torc nourished and beckoned the buried softness until it overwhelmed the confines of her corporeal self. She felt it coming through the thin barrier of her skin, heavy in her chest, tight in her throat. I see you. Trying to swallow the lump in her throat only succeeded in parting her lips to facilitate the larger amount of oxygen her lungs seemed to need. I see you. Her hands trembled beneath his, the rough calluses of his palm and fingers scuffing against the unusually sensitive scarred flesh of her right hand.
Fear raced in a single pulse up the back of her neck, vulnerability so strong her eyelids flinched closed at every nearby ringing hammer stroke. She missed the detail that he was using the same terms to describe her as he had his knives. Share softness with family. Aidara’s face loomed in her mind’s eye, a deeply loving and trusting expression in the set of her lips, and shining in her eyes. An expression she hadn’t seen in a long time. Bereft of the one soul that meant more to her than her own, tears stung her eyes and she hesitantly reached out toward their bond, afraid of what she would find. The past season had been the most emotionally damaging and betrayal still dug deep. She’s mine, Addy had snarled with mind numbing hatred, just earlier this season. Her soul was a barren wasteland. There was no one in there. Nothing stirred the dust, pealed through the unopposed wind, or disturbed the wearisome march of time. A lone tear tracked down her right cheek, no twin joining it to journey toward oblivion. No twin. She recoiled from the bond, vulnerability enhanced fear overcoming her need for the healer. Healer. The rain to settle the dust, the verdant oasis to add scents of freshly blossomed flowers to the wind, the unexpected turbulence to disrupt the perception of time. Sai flung herself at the bond, immersing herself for the first time since she was a child in the visceral comfort it offered. The bubbles of her elder sister’s personality flowed through her, each one encased in a loving shell, support and understanding showering her with each splashing pop. She gathered up all the bubbles she could, spreading herself around them and cradling them tenderly. All the feelings she never vocalized or physically displayed, all of them, devotion, adoration, acceptance, enveloping the fragile presence. Another tear tracked down her cheek, opposite the earlier drop, and a joyful smile eased across her open features.
Catabasis gently extracted his Inarta from luxuriating in the safety of her sister’s love, replacing its strength with enough of his own to keep the overwhelmed woman from slipping back into panic. Some will hurt you, the Eagle reiterated Torc’s words, but the deeper you let us in, the stronger we can protect you. The more you let in, the more that are here to soothe the wounds others cause.
The open sincerity of her guide through this frightfully exposing journey placed him at the center of her small circle of acceptable participants. Not those that could simply look, but those that could affect her without the slightest trepidation on her part. She stared up into his dark eyes, I see you, bravely letting him have the myriad of emotions he had incited. Bravely letting him see the newfound fulfillment. When he had first touched her, opened her up and coaxed the repressed side out, she had felt alone. Even with the revitalized connection to her sister, and the support of Catabasis, she didn’t feel as grounded as she did looking up into the smith-turned-philosopher’s accepting and supportive gaze. The very real connection with him, his strong, capable hand cradling her own, just as the force of his personality was doing with her intangible self. Her hand chilled and felt naked when he removed his own, but he had not only delved deeper into her but shown her the cornerstone of who he was. A dignified man that sought lovable traits and could help those blind to them find self love. A man that understood the risks and accepted them, helped others to understand the connections between individuals and bridge them. A man that had evolved further than Sai, who loved her people to the exclusion of everyone else, yet struggled to show that any other way than doing her job and making sure that others did theirs as well. She didn’t spend time among them, she made sure that as many as possible would live through the winter to have the opportunity to find their own happiness. But there could be a balance.
I see them all grow, laugh, and dance. They live through the work and the winter to play as hard as they can. Sai understood, felt the warmth in her chest that he was indicating with his hand above his heart. He wanted to be a part of his society, not sit on the sidelines. And above all, he wanted a tight-knit family, someone to share the quiet moments in life with. He wanted someone to love him back the way he loved everyone, deeper than the way he loved everyone. As deep as he would love her. Sai felt herself smiling, pleased, he worked where he loved and he was planning on staying through the spring. He wanted to be here. As long as his…Goddess let him. A Gnosis, then, not a proprietary marking of the mortal kind. Cheva. Lady is love. Cheva. Comprehension dawned. His love for every being was pure enough to warrant attention from the Goddess of love. Sai gazed at him fondly, sincere sympathy for the situation he found himself in.
The knowledge that he was in love with a being that belonged to everyone, and he could never allow himself to be selfish enough to ask her to love him beyond how she felt for all peoples. He loved her enough to let her go. Enough to settle for something similar with a more attainable woman, but one that could understand his heart would always belong a little bit more to Cheva. That Cheva would ask things of him that would take him away from her, and he needed there to be no jealousy or envy clouding the relationship. He needed a woman that could love him as he loved Cheva. It hurt him, and could be used against him, but he faced that risk boldly with full faith that the love he shared would stand stalwart and carry him through whatever came of his full disclosure. A little more admiration and confidence grew for the way he was trying to show her.
She nodded at his request, letting him tend to his work while she watched his sure movements. With great care, befitting the gift that was given unbegrudgingly and for no practical reason, she reached back and situated the pin at the top of her braid. Every few seconds she reached back and assured herself it was holding in place and positioned properly. He finished and turned back toward her; she had a soft smile on her face and was fiddling with the pin again.
It didn’t even occur to her to hide the expression from him. Or the young apprentice staring at her from over his shoulder. “You do learn fast, smith, that’s true,” she chuckled. “You know,” I see you, he did know. Her expression turned introspective and her speech slow as she formulated her thoughts into coherent sentences. “I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I haven’t felt like anything except an Endal, adhering to all the responsibility and eschewing all the perks, since I was a kid,” she paused, gazing up at him with her big yellow eyes. “I haven’t felt like a woman in a very long time.” Digesting that realization. “What a queer thing to say, what a queer thing to feel. At the most fundamental level, I’m a woman, but at the functioning level I’m…something less and something more all at the same time,” she searched for understanding, realizing it could need further explaining even as she knew that articulating the idea better wasn’t possible for her.
“No one here can make me forget what I am. No one can see beneath the hardness, the strength. No one here wants anything…less…than that.” Was she trying to explain, was she throwing a pity party? She didn’t know, there was no attempt to analyze the words, just a vocalization of how she felt in that moment. The slow introspection continued. “I have a sister. A twin. We feel each other’s emotions. I stopped giving her the love she needed when I realized that she was barely an Avora and could easily fall to commoner status. I couldn’t let that happen. It terrified me to think what would happen to her if I lost my status. I thought that she would understand the distance between us wasn’t because I didn’t love her any less but because I didn’t know how to give her what she needed as my sister and what she needed to stay safe. What I needed for her as my sister. She wants me to forget what I am. She wants underneath this shell.”
She hesitated, lips parted for speech, wondering if perhaps it wasn’t her place to question certain things. Then snorted at herself, the man had just pried her open and told her not to be afraid. He lived like that. She realized that it wasn’t his privacy she was concerned with invading, but instead concerned with causing him pain. She had assumed a lot of things about him from what he told her, especially about the family he wanted. Now wasn’t the time. Suddenly, she chuckled silently with a self deprecating shrug of her shoulders. “I don’t know if that’s what you had in mind when you asked me to continue speaking…”
"Oneday I wished upon a star
And woke up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me."