Health issues are not an uncommon thing here; a lot of us have them, which is why I think I'm comfortable writing this as a scrap, because I know many of you will understand. I wanted to write this just as a way to get things off my chest, but I figured I would share it here rather than keep it private for a few reasons.
A diagnosis is really a double-edged sword. It is infinitely frustrating to know, on a very basic level, that there is something wrong with your health, but not knowing what it is. A diagnosis tells you that no, you're not crazy; yes, there is something wrong, and now that you know you can treat or manage it. But it's still not an easy thing, because it means you're sick. A chronic diagnosis is even harder, because whatever is wrong is going to stay wrong for the rest of your life.
The other day I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS. Essentially, it is an overproduction of male hormones (primarily androgen) in the body, which results in a whole host of symptoms (one of which is many small cysts on the ovaries, from which the syndrome gets its name).
It is not a death sentence. It is fairly common; it won't kill me, and it won't shorten my lifespan. It will somewhat increase my risk of certain health complications, but the symptoms can be managed. I've been living with it without knowing about it; continuing to live with it will only get easier since now I can start managing my symptoms. And for all of that, I am grateful. Being sick is not the oppression or pain Olympics; the severity of your illness doesn't somehow make it less valid than someone else's, but I'm still aware that it could be so much worse, and I'm thankful that it's not. But it's still something that can take some time to come to terms with.
I've known there was something off about my health for awhile now. I have depression, and am being treated for that; and it has gotten better, but I still had other symptoms. I mention this briefly in a prior scrap, but last year, my doctor suggested I might have a genetic disease called Wilson's disease; I'm still going through testing for that, but even if I do have it, it didn't explain everything I was experiencing.
The symptoms of PCOS matched with what I was experiencing perfectly, so I asked to be tested for it recently; and to hear my doctor tell me that I had it was, at first, a huge relief. When you go awhile without a diagnosis, and with nothing abnormal showing on tests, you really do start to feel like maybe you're going crazy, or you're just not in good enough shape and your symptoms are your own fault.
People who mean well will tell you to eat better and exercise more, and I'm not knocking the importance of a good diet and being active, because they are important; but anyone with a health condition who's heard that advice knows how belittling it feels. It tends not to be given as advice that means 'if you do this, it might help make your symptoms slightly easier to manage', but rather as advice that means 'eating more vegetables and doing yoga will somehow miraculously absolve you of all your health problems'. You know the type. You know...
That type.
So yes, to be told that my poor health wasn't my imagination and that it wasn't my fault was reassuring and a relief. But I'm still struggling to accept the fact that this is something that will affect me for the rest of my life; it's going to require medication and lifestyle changes, and I'm going to have to keep on top of it. Inevitably I've had the thought that this isn't fair, but life often isn't fair. I know that eventually, I'll come to terms with this, and life will go on as normal; maybe a bit different, but it's not the end of the world. But in the meantime, there is still the adjustment period.
Something I think that's really important that my therapist told me, though, and this goes for anyone with health issues, is that I'm not just a patient. When you get diagnosed with something, and when you're running through all kinds of treatments and tests and seeing specialists, it can be easy to forget that. Your life starts to revolve around your health and what's wrong with it, and it becomes a big part of your identity. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but I need to remember to take a step back every so often and see myself as more than that; as the person I am, and I need to remember to take care of myself. So, there's a bit of a reminder to anyone reading this who has health issues and might be focused too much on that rather than themselves.
There wasn't much of a point to this scrap; I'm not looking for pity. I just wanted to articulate how I've been feeling for myself more than anything else. I admit, I do feel better having written all of this. I was on the fence about actually posting this after having bothered to write it, but as always I want to be transparent with you all about what's going on with me (though this hopefully will not affect my presence or activity).
I have a lot of studying to do this weekend to finish my midterms, but I may take what little free time I have to try and catch up on the unofficial NaNo going on with my PC; it can be hard to write when I'm going through a rough patch, but Miz is always a good distraction. To those who I owe replies to as a ST, I haven't gone anywhere, and I hope you can understand me being a little bit selfish this weekend. Replies will be my priority come Tuesday evening (midterms will be done then) until I'm all caught up, which should hopefully not take too long. As always, I appreciate everyone's patience and understanding.
~Lumi
