Hockay... so this is going to be a semi-whiny post. If you don't like that sort of thing... this post is not for you!
Lets start at the beginning, with just a bit of background information just so you know a bit about me. I haven't really dated before. I have, but it's not, something I have pursued heavily, or experienced on a regular basis. Or very often at all. I'm not boy crazy, nor am I girl crazy, or someone who regularly goes out looking for people to date. Part of this has to do with interest, my long-term health problems, and lastly, and more than likely, most importantly, my history. I suppose, you could say I've had two long-term relationships. The first was when I was still in high school. I dated this particular boy, Eden, for a couple of years until I finally broke up with him. No, it wasn't because I didn't like him. I cared about him rather deeply, but due to an unfortunate turn of events, I was no longer in a good emotional state and told him as much. He was pretty good about it. He was upset, of course, but he understand where I was coming from and accepted my decision. We remained friends after that. Close friends. A few months later, he was in a car with four of his friends. The driver was drunk. The group crashed, and he was the only survivor. Eden spent at least a month in the hospital, and shortly after being released, killed himself. Needless to say, I was devastated, and for a long time, blamed myself. I knew logically, that he didn't kill himself because I broke up with him, but emotionally I was convinced. The events were just too close together for my taste not to be related to each other.
The second person I dated was a girl, somewhere around a year after I had dated Eden. We didn't date anywhere near as long. Only a few months. The only reason we broke up, was because she cheated on me. With five guys, in a two month period. My sister told me. Needless to say, it was awkward and I was pissed. Partially because she was the one who asked me to date her. Partially because my sister, who is two and a half years younger found out about what she was doing and had to tell me. (Apparently, at 17, I was of the mindset that no one would think to do that). Partially because she cheated. I mean it sucks. If you don't like me or want to date me, just tell me please. I didn't understand why she couldn't. And that, the fact that she couldn't just upset me. It really made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for her, good enough to know the truth... good enough to know a multitude of things. For a long time, it really didn't help my already dwindling self-esteem.
Thus, for about the next year, I decided not to try dating. In college, I went on three dates. They were all disasters. The first guy was a- shorter than me, which is difficult to be considering I'm only 5'1. B- an ass. All he did was talk about girls he wanted to date more than me, and how much he drank. The second somehow managed to be worse. The third I got stood up... for three hours... in the rain. As you can well imagine, I gave up on dating again. I just couldn't deal. I felt insecure, and just not worth it. So I waited until those feelings began to go away.
More recently, within the last few months, I have begun to look for someone to be with. Not because I think dating is the greatest thing in the world. Not because I feel incomplete, or any less insecure about myself and other things- my appearance, whether I'll be cheated on, or my significant other simply killing themselves. Not because I am jealous of happy couples, (that used to be a huge problem for me), not because I want to take someone's love away from them simply to be an ass, but because I am really, really lonely, and would love someone to spend some time with.
Let me make something clear. I have friends, I do. It's just that they're essentially, living in every state but the one I am from, are away at college, or studying abroad. I am just hanging tight, taking some time off to deal with a few things. This means, that there is NO ONE around to spend time with, unless it's the holidays. But even then, most people aren't around. Thus, I have been left feeling rather alone.
A few months ago. I met a boy I really liked. His name is Etna. Why do I really like him? Because for one thing, he seems to like me for more than my appearance. He acts his age. And he treats me like a human being. You may think that sounds odd. But when you're sick, and everyone in your small town knows it, you tend to get made fun of... a lot. You get these horrid stares. People look at you weird. And when they know you took some time off from college to take care of yourself, they laugh at you, and essentially tell you that you just threw your life away. Etna isn't like that. At all. He's one of the few people that accept my going through a hard time, and is supporting me through that. He has been nothing but helpful, even though he doesn't always understand things, or know how to deal with my angry outbursts. And to be quite frank, I have been pretty damn thankful to have him as part of my life, even though I seldomly feel as though I deserve to have him there.
We used to talk all the time. At least five hours a day, into the early hours of the morning. When I was in the hospital, he was the only person to write me letters. When I got back, he was overjoyed to see me. He just made me feel loved... to put it lightly. Soon enough, I realized I was in love with him. That in itself, was scary as all get out. Part of it had to do with my past relationship history. Part of it had to do with how I felt about myself. Not very pleasant to be honest, and the rest was associated with my just beginning to regain my health, and heightened interest in other women, and lessening interest in men. To be honest, I really didn't think I could fall in love with anyone. Let alone a man, right there and then.
It scared me. It still scares me and weirds me out. It made me push. It made my head spin. I didn't get it. I didn't like it. But I didn't not like it either. And it sure as hell took me awhile to learn how to accept it.
It seemed, for a long time, that Etna really liked me too. And that made me really happy, and I kept him close. When he started up school again, however, he had far less time. We hardly talk now. He is always busy, with friends, or sick. And yes, that makes me jealous, to an extent, because I want to spend more time with him, but at the same time, I understand there are other people in his life. That also, however, makes he somewhat insecure... in the sense that I'm paranoid he may find another girl to be with.
Anyway, recently, we got into talk about dating. And although I'd really like to try dating him, he has no interest in trying with me. That killed. I hate rejection, and I hate the bloody first thought that swept through my mind: You're ugly. The second was something along the lines of: great... you're not good enough for him either.
That was followed by a litany of- it's because you wear this or that, or gained so and so amount of weight, (because I have recently put on like 15 pounds), and because you're not in school and he is, and you haven't done this and this, and he probably hates your tattoo, and your smile. And you're breaking out. You look like you're going through puberty again!
Until I've absolutely destroyed what was left of my self-esteem and have been left crying. The only comfort I can find is this: he isn't that damn shallow. I try to remind myself of that. He wouldn't reject me completely, just because my body is imperfect, which has left me to think of other reasons.
That led me to think of how I treat him. And to be honest, I do go back and forth. Sometimes, I'd like to think most of the time, I treat him rather well. Listening when he is upset, giving my opinion on things, helping him out when he is sick... that sort of thing. But sometimes, when I am in a crappy ass mood, I really do take it out on him. I have done this a number of times. I feel bad each time I do it, and apologize, and explain myself eventually. But it still makes me uneasy. It makes me feel like a bad friend, and in this instance, it makes me somewhat nervous.
What if that's why he's not interested? Those days when I have the worst mood swings in the history of the world... even if they come less and less frequently. What if that is what has pushed him away? What if that is what has made him disinterested in dating? What has made him just want to be friends?
I really can't think of anything else.
I really hope that isn't it. But I wouldn't blame him if it was. I mean, I know how I feel about him, but can't imagine he can. It must be so confusing when I'm nice one minute, and flipping a shit the next. For no apparent reason.
I feel awful. I fear I might start crying again.
I really, really like him, and I don't think he knows. And it's fucking killing me right now... I really don't know what to do. |
It's official, I have finally fluttered away from the icy city this week. Well, only a few days ago, and I suppose, I really do welcome the change. Although, I will miss working with Cheshire because she's been nothing but kind and supportive, I'm excited to stretch my wings and take off my training wheels so to speak. It's still odd though, to be in a new place, largely on my own. But I'm sure I'll get used to it.
It's just, that Black Rock is essentially the polar opposite of Avanthal. Where Avanthal is always icy and cold and a wintry wonderland, Black Rock manages to be below freezing. People there love Dira, as well as a few others like Tanroa, whereas the people in Avanthal shout "all hail Morwen," and the like. We have different army set-ups... one's population is nearly all dead guys and the other is not. It's just... very, very different, although not necessarily a bad thing.
