[Open/Flashback] State Of Mind

[Karl William]

Timestamp: 9th Day of Summer, 508 AV

With his eyes closed, seated on the dry ground in a tailor-fashion and with his arms resting on his legs, he meditated. It had been over an hour now that he tried to reach his inner sanctum and disconnect mind from body, yet he knew that he wouldn't be able to reach it like this, his mind was coiling with memories and regrets. There'd be no serene state of mind if he didn't clear his mind from those thoughts, so instead of trying to supress and ignore them, he faced them head-on. Trying to analyze and come to terms with them.

Karl's biggest regret so far was leaving his father's and brother's side in his egotistical search for power. He knew they loved him and approved of his personal search, they bid him farewell with smiles on their faces. For some reason he wasn't satisfied with that, he even felt that he resented them for it. Why were they so happy? Why didn't they try to stop him, talk him out of it ? Were they so selfless that they cared more for his wellbeing than their own situation ? Why couldn't he be like that ? Why was he so weak that he had to give in to his own desires ?

Then it hit him, he would repay their favor tenfold. He would become the strongest warrior, he would defeat death itself if he had to, he would go back home as a man. Not needing to rely on anything other than his own strength for the sake of defending the things he cherised.

His frowned expression changed to a calm, peaceful one. He even felt his lips curl into a slight smile, he finally fought the heavy guilt head-on and won. Not by trickery or lying to himself, he won by acknowledging his weakness and vowing to strengthen himself in every which way before going back to repay their kindness.

His mind was loosened, he felt like he had stepped out of his body and was now looking down upon his seated self, he still felt his own body though, they were still linked. He still wasn't there. His mind had become silent and calm, but his soul had not.

Soul and mind are two very separate things, they may say that the soul is of unimportance but Karl disagreed, he knew. Morphing forced you to know, that the soul is the very essence of someone. You can change your mind and body all you want, the soul remains. A strong soul is required to be able to morph, to be able to become strong even. He'll grow old and feeble, his mind might waver and become senile, but even through all that, he knew his soul would remain intact. Morphing forced you to acknowledge and become your soul while morphing. Your mind isn't stable enough to hide in while your body undergoes painful and gruesome changes, your soul is.

It was when he remember that feeling, that teaching, that he felt his mind dislocate from his body completely and he became more peaceful and calmer than he had ever been. Even when he morphed he didn't feel this. He never cared much for meditation but having started trying to learn the essence of it, he must say it is a powerfool tool. Karl had the idea in his idea that if he could conquer this feeling, make it his and make it obey his will at any time, he'd become powerful.

It would perhaps help him when he begins to overgive in the Flux or speed up his morphing when needed. He has yet to test out these theories though, he was still a mere novice when it came to meditating but he knew he wasn't about to stop here. He was going to keep training it 'till he was able to use it effortlessly and effectively.

His stomach growled in the distance, he heard it but it sounded like it came from under water, muffled and distorted. He couldn't help to lose focus though and after a few seconds he opened his eyes slowly. His eyesight was blurred and hazed for a while as he rubbed his eyes in an attempt to regain a proper view.

He let himself fall backwards and smiled at the sky, he'd be up there soon enough, he thought as he closed his eyes again and started to doze off.