[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

[Aidara]

Diets I don't know what my problem is. I have always thought I am over weight. I have the typical, lame, girly problem of never thinking my body is good enough. I know it's stupid, but you know what? I have some insecurities, but I don't let them own me. Not anymore, at least. I've had my ups and my very very bad downs, but I'm better. But it comes down to the fact that I *am* over weight. I am over the weight that I should be for someone my height and my age. My goal is not to be size zero. It's not to be like Heidi Klum or whatever other ridiculous celebrity people try to be. I want to be me, but I want to be healthy. Now, if you're reading this skeptically, please note that I said "overweight" not fat, not ugly, not gross, not obese, not a whale. Overweight. I know the difference between being superficial and being real. I've always tried to be real. My friends see the real me, the un-edited me. I make stupid comments, ask stupid questions, have a stupid sense of humor. I trip and fall and make a fool of myself. I am cute and funny and nice. I also have opinions and I'll tell you what I think in all honesty. I don't impress my opinions on everyone, as I rather like to keep them to myself unless expressly asked or in a situation where I am annoyed enough to voice them. But that doesn't mean I don't think my opinions don't matter. They do matter, I just go about sharing them with everyone else differently. I'll tell you if I thought your post was bad or if your character concept seems flat. I'll tell you if I don't like the signature you made me or if I don't want to write a thread with you right now. I'll tell you if I think you're being immature or shitty. I will, I promise I will. I'll also listen to your rants and tell you what I think on the subject, whether it be agree or disagree, whether I think you were right or the other person was right. I'm not just trying to be your buddy, a superficial suck up and all that shit. If I agree, compliment, hug, love, praise, scold you... it's because I mean it. Everyone likes to be liked. I like people to like me. ME, not a persona that I portray to seem happier or cooler or nicer or sexier. However, if you don't like me for me -the real me- then screw you. I'm not here to impress. That was completely off topic and I'm not really sure where it came from. It just kinda...came out. Diets. Overweight. Right, that's where I was. So I'm out of shape. I don't like going clothes shopping cause the weight I have gained over the last two or so years makes things look unflattering, in my opinion. And I am my hardest critic, I know. But it's more than just clothes or shopping or anything... I have come to realize that I also just despise what the weight represents. Weakness, mistakes and things that I have already moved past. I was depressed for a long time, I was sad and reclusive and lazy. I thought I had fixed myself at one point and without any help from medicine. It wasn't until I came home and saw my parents and the way that they looked at me that I realized how wrong I was. I hadn't made any progress, I had just shifted my pain from something mental into something physical: Food. Now, I'm not talking 100lbs. I gained maybe 20 or 30 pounds. But still, I don't carry it well. To me, it's like a clinging declaration of what I had done wrong, how long it took me to realize my problem. And I want it gone...but where is my will power to make it go away? I can't find it anywhere. Some one must have stolen it. I don't like looking at something I want to eat, like a cookie or maybe even just another serving of mashed potatoes and thinking "I shouldn't..." Because, frankly, I can eat whatever I want. Moderation is the key, and I know that. I don't want eating, food and all that to be an issue for me on top of all my other issues. I DON'T. I've tried diets. Anyone who has tried diets know that they don't work. Not for the long term. Obviously I have to change how I eat. And I've done that all ready. I've actually already lost weight over the last year or so but... it seems that the losing has gone stagnant, because I'm not making any more progress. I've tried cutting out soda completely... that didn't work. I have tried cutting out all sweets and or junk food, even though I didn't really eat much of it to begin with (Though chips are my kryptonite). That didn't work. So cutting stuff out cold turkey doesn't work for me, apparently, and now I have to think of something different. But the WILL POWER isn't there. I need to go to the gym, but the idea scares me. I could tell myself I'm going to go biking every day, but I keep waiting for the perfect scenario. NEWS FLASH ME: there is no perfect scenario. It's never going to be the right temperature, or the right time of day. I'm hardly ever going to feel just in the perfect mood to want to go biking or exercising until I get into the habit. I have been able to tell that I will do better in a Gym setting. The family has a membership to a 24 hour gym.... so what is keeping me? Really, what? Why won't I just get up and go, when I sit here and commiserate with myself over how I should go and shouldn't eat that cookie until I do and how much better I'lll feel and how much prettier I'll feel and how much this little boost of confidence of working hard and losing weight will help me along the path of overcoming my mental problems... I don't get it.

[Aidara]

P.S. One more thing... I guess I lied up there. Maybe I am superficial. I don't like how I look in some pictures and I find myself almost on the verge of tears when it looks like I have a double chin when I laugh. I try to hide my stomach when I sit and I refuse to wear shorts. Is that being superficial or just....insecure? I can't in all honesty preach in my scrap above about how strong I am and how awesome it is that I'm not just doing this because of looks alone. Because while that may be true, and I do have motivations other than just superficial physical ones... it still does have to do with looks, to some degree. It may not be my #1 driving point for wanting to do all this but... I do want to look good, too. I do want to be pretty, and I do want to be confident that when I put on something nice and go out that it does look nice. That's not so wrong, is it?

[Verilian]

We all have problems with our body. I'm not overweight.. actually I'm underweight for my height. Well.. I was. I gained weight working at my current job which consists of sitting on my ass all day, but I am definitely not fat. I've just gained a little weight, but I don't like it. Now.. even before I gained this weight, I wasn't happy with my body. I used to tell people I needed to get into shape, and they would tell me I was crazy. "You're skinny, you're in good shape." These were overweight people telling me this.. so I can see how they think I am stupid for disliking the way I look, but the truth is, it goes beyond that. Being thin doesn't equate to being healthy.. I'm still pretty skinny, but I'm unhealthier now than I've ever been. I want to start working out, to turn the fat that I've gained into muscle like I had planned. So.. why didn't or haven't I done it? The same reason as everyone else.. willpower. It takes willpower to get off your ass and change your body. It's a problem we all have. I know this isn't really helpful to you, because it's not solving your problem at all, but know that we all feel it. I kept telling myself that once it cooled off I'd get back into the shape I used to be in when I did karate.. but it's been cool for two weeks now and I haven't started. I hope I do, but I have to build up the willpower to do it. Eventually you will build up that willpower to, but it wont be easy and it will be even easier to give up. My only advice is hold on to that want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in shape, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to better your body. You can be happy with your body and your looks and still want to improve them. There are some people out there who will tell you, "Nothing is wrong with you, you are beautiful, you don't need to lose weight." Don't listen to them. If you want to lose weight, then you need to lose weight. Now.. I'm not saying I don't think there is something wrong with you. I already told you once I thought you were pretty. And you don't have to lose the weight if you want to. But, if you do want to lose the weight then there is nothing at all wrong with that. Ignore everybody else, want what you want, and just don't let go of that desire, and eventually you will build up enough willpower to get up and go do what you want to do. You will get yourself into the shape you want to be in, look the way you want to look, and feel the way you want to feel. Don't let anyone tell you that you are being insecure, because not bettering yourself when you want it is the true insecurity. There is nothing wrong with you not having the willpower, because nobody has the will at first, but just hold on and it will come. I believe in you, but that is meaningless. Believe in yourself, and eventually the willpower will come.

[Jameson Kindle]

Dearest Julie, I’m here to offer my thoughts and opinion(s) on your latest scrap. What you’ve shared is something quite near and dear to my heart, and I may ramble, so bear with me, if you can… As I have shared before, I’m an advocate for women’s peace. Or, that’s what I like to call it. Today there is a strong emphasis on the glass standards that make a woman hot, pretty, ugly, cute, fat, dumb, smart, talented, etc. Girls take the things they seen on television, on the internet, in magazines, in books, on posters, and they apply the visions to themselves. I have yet to meet a young woman who hasn’t compared herself to something she has seen. I’ve yet to hear a girl admit that she is completely and totally irrevocably happy with herself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a disturbing thing, and I hate to see girls tearing each and themselves apart. I’ve noticed that any girl who insults another, for any reason, not just body image, is jealous for something the subject of her torment has. I’ve yet to understand. I just never will get it. Don’t get me wrong; this emphasis is present for guys, too. I’ve seen posters in malls and guys in movies with six-pack abs and felt like, “Damn, I wish I had abs.” Why? Because girls are attracted to them. Let’s face it, not everyone simply “wants to be healthy.” Because of the way modern society has progressed and the things we have grown accustomed to (especially my generation), we are under this strange brainwashy illusion that the other sex MUST ACCEPT US. We’re obsessed. We all are. We always feel that, when attracted to a particular person, we must conform to what we think he/she likes/wants. Does that make sense? Girls wanna date guys taller than them. Guys wanna date girls who will put out. Girls like guys who are romantic. Guys don’t always get it. Girls like guys who won’t cheat. Guys like girls who won’t cheat. Girls want long term. Guys don’t want commitment yet. It varies person to person, obviously. Stereotypes are the worst: “Shit, dude, ______ is so hot, but she’s totally out of my league.” “Oh my god, ______ is so hot, but he only dates the cheerleader type girls.” What’s all this nonsense about types? Who knows. Not important. Moving on. Basically, there is a seriously twisted image out there that everyone feels like they need to conform to. Well, I say “everyone” but of course I can’t speak for everyone, so let’s try not to get too picky/technical. Haha…. So. Why have things progressed this way? Why do we feel like we need to wear a certain thing, drive a certain car, own a certain product? And better yet, this is the most complicated part… There is a fine line between being happy with yourself, and being just plain arrogant. There’s a fine line between arrogance and pride, and I think girls see this in guys often. Guys know they look good. They’ll flaunt it and use it to their advantages. Girls, at least from what I have seen, look in the mirror, and never quite see perfect. Women pick themselves apart… And it’s painful to see. My very own sister is a beautiful girl, and I tell her every chance I get. She says “Awwwh, thanks!” of course, but what does she really see in the mirror? I know for a fact she doesn’t think her portions are at all even. Why? By whose standards? We let our attractions to other people rule our looks indefinitely, I think. Even myself. Getting healthy and staying healthy is hard. It’s not about diets. It’s not about excersize…. Per se. It’s about finding a perfect balance, and ENJOYING IT. Diets are usually made by people who think that they know all this grand stuff about nutrition and exercise and metabolism. But the truth is, what works for you may not always work for someone else. And so, you have to find something you like to do. You have to have a reward system. I ran cross country. I love running. I’m not sure why, it just makes me feel good. Do I run every day? No, but I go when I feel like it, and I go because I know if I ever outright stop, I may not pick it back up. You get past a certain level eventually where you lose hope and decide you just can’t pick some things back up. It’s discouragement. I’ve found what helps me is having a friend. A buddy to go through it with me. I’ll call a friend from my high school team up and say, “Hey man, what’re you up to?” And if he isn’t busy, I’ll tell him I’m going for a run, and he should do it with me. Here’s the catch – He’s on a completely different campus. And yet knowing that he’s out there running makes me feel better for some reason. It makes it easier, almost. More motivating. I even run with friends on my own campus. It’s more fun, in my opinion. It’s like, would you go out to dinner and a movie alone? Uhhhh, I wouldn’t! It feels awkward! Some people are that way about exercising alone. Find a buddy who either likes to exercise or wants to get healthy too. Another thing, pick out something you REALLY like about yourself. Why do you like it? Now realize, someone out there likes that about you too. No one likes every single thing about another person. You will always like someone in spite of a trait if you really enjoy having them as a friend. You’ll work past some things for the sake of being friends. It’s what FRIENDS do. That’s why we call them friends. Julie, you have the most precious, abundant freckles I have ever seen. I don’t know, you may hate them. Other people may hate freckles. But I personally like them. I have thick, coarse, reddish blonde hair. You may like coarse hair. I hate it. It’s like a shitty rat’s nest sometimes. Your friend may love your green eyes, and wish her brown ones were green, too. I love brown eyes, I love green eyes, I love blue eyes, I love purple eyes, I love orange eyes, I love grey eyes, I love hazel eyes, I love zebra striped eyes, I love rainbow eyes… Why? Because I like eyes. You may decide to shave your head and all your friends see you and say WTF?! But you like having your head shaved. Why? Because your mom had cancer and lost all her hair, so you shaved your beautiful, silky hair off to show her she doesn’t have to do it alone. My point is, don’t focus on what others think about you, because no two people are gonna see you the same way, and they’re never going to see you the way YOU see you. If you think you’re unhealthy, it may take some time to find your balance and find what will work for you, but at least be happy in knowing that you’re TRYING. Take pride in the fact that you’re not gonna sit there and lie to yourself; At least you know and realize that there truly is no “perfect scenario” to exercise. The effort you’re putting into it is more than most people will ever commit to. Many people sit around on their asses all damn day long, and complain and bitch and moan about being fat. Guess what? They’ve got a tv remote in one hand, and a coke in the other, and a batch of brownies in the oven. They want their health handed to them. I admire that you’re working for it, Julie. I truly do. But it breaks my heart that you’re dissatisfied with yourself. Same goes for anyone. I’m one of those people that just wants everyone to like themselves. And no, sadly, it doesn’t just happen like that, and it isn’t easy. It’s hard. It’s a lot of pressure. But believe in yourself, and know, and tell yourself you can do whatever you want. And know, too, that someone out there loves even the things you hate most about yourself, whether they tell you or not. I’m not sure how you’re going to take this. It’s meant to be encouraging, and it’s meant to uplift you, and anyone else who reads it. I’m like you. I’m going to be completely honest. I’m not going to try to win you over with a false sense of security or any of that bullshit. If you want to know the truth, I’ll tell you the truth. You’re a beautiful girl simply because I think you’re an inspiring person. Everyone wants to look good AND be healthy. You’re not alone. But the difference between you and some others are, is that YOU actually know it takes work and don’t want it just handed to you. Take pride in yourself, know that others love you, and reach for what you want. Always. Two more things for you: —Daniel

[Rista]

We really are scary similar sometimes. I feel like I'm sitting in the same boat as you are, waiting for that epiphany that will make me jump out of the chair/bed/couch and go out, buy those training shoes, that swim suit, that swimming card, and just throw myself into training with all my strength, never looking back to the lazy days... I get it. I completely, totally get how difficult it is to get up and go out and actually do something. This feeling of not being content, of not being able to relax and let loose because of worry over how I look, how my laugh sounds, the way my feet look when I walk.. Okay so maybe I haven't gone as far as you in acceptance of who I am. Point is no matter how aware I am that I am perfectly normal and not worth any less than someone else, that actual comparing and wishing for something else is hard to get rid of. Anyway.. You want to try and get that feeling down together? Sometimes I find myself just longing for someone to keep an eye on me, follow my progress and setbacks and agree, just plain agree to my complaints and my efforts... Misery loves company so to speak, and it's always more fun to get help with pushing and pulling. Just a thought, you can catch me and bring it up if you want to try something out. And if not, then that is completely fine too.

[Sairque]

Dear Julie,

I think you’ve learned something very important that many girls don’t. It’s not about being outside the “norms” of beauty (which Daniel mentioned above), but about the health aspect. It seems that when most overweight women look at their bodies they don’t see the heart disease, the blood clots, the fatty liver, they see that they don’t look like Angelina Jolie. I don’t even want to get into males, because that beer gut that they don’t mind flaunting around is just as bad, and you’re not a boy so it’s not really relevant to you. Ron is right, I’ve also mentioned exercising to get back into shape to my larger female friends and they don’t comprehend it at all, the idea of being out of shape but skinny eludes their grasp.

It’s not about the weight, or not looking like the “norm” (which is very not normal for America), body image should be about health. Technically, at 116 lbs, 5’2, I had a fat content of 33%. That’s morbidly obese. Did the water weighing and everything; flexibility testing, strength testing, aerobic testing. I wasn’t “fat” but I wasn’t healthy either. What’s funny, though, is that a “fat” person could do that same test and be less morbidly obese than I. I had a low muscle mass. I, too, have no will power to get out and exercise. When I do something with the express intention of gaining strength or getting in shape, it bores the crap out of me. I can’t get past the stress I’m putting on my body for no other reason than to get in shape. Which, for health reasons, should be enough, but it’s not. I hate stressing my body.

However, and I think this will apply to you if going to the gym doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for me. You wanna know what I do? In the summer I work for the Forest Service, I was a firefighter for two years. Last summer I worked for range; almost every day for up to nine hours, I packed a twenty five pound spray backpack up and down the sides of mountains. There has to be something I enjoy in the exercise. I enjoy getting paid, I enjoy being out in remote places of staggering beauty. It wasn’t necessary for me to use the pack, I could have used the hose with its gas powered pump…but tracking down weeds was enough distraction to take my mind off aching legs and a stiff back. Rock climbing, racquet ball, long boarding; exercise that’s fun. Wood chopping. I LOVE chopping wood. Give me some dry rounds and a double bit and I will work until my arms are jelly and my t-shirt is soaked with sweat. Never in my life have I worked that hard in a gym, and I had to face the fact that it would never happen.

Daniel is right; your freckles are awesome.

Anyway, the point of the matter is that you’re not alone in your struggle for health and scrawny people can be just as in danger of the same health problems.

Also, the point is that you can get in shape without it being work.

Also, I’m now going to talk about eating.

I learned something this summer. Junk food is addicting. I’ve rarely eaten junk food, but after a month on a fire roll with nothing but junk food, I was addicted. It’s been hell this fall getting my eating habits back under control, I’ve been putting myself through the same thing that you want to. For me, it’s not about cutting myself off. It’s about eating whatever I want to, but as I eat it going over all the unhealthy, gross aspects of it. Sometimes I put the food away half eaten, sometimes I never even make it to the first bite. I think being conscious of the food’s undesirable aspects all the time is key. It’s kind of like going to the gym “because you should”. “I shouldn’t eat this” is much less convincing them “This has partially hydrogenated oils in it, which guarantees trans fat, which my body cannot physically digest.” Or, “this food item has no nutrient value” or “this is empty calories” or “I could enjoy eating this for five seconds, or I could sacrifice those five seconds and save myself the thigh fat this will turn into.” And, the less I eat it, the less I want it. I’ve successfully cut fast food out (And addicted is an understatement when it comes to how I was chowing down on that stuff this summer) and no longer crave it.

The point is, it will be hard, but if you turn not eating junk food into something that you want to do it will be easier. It will still be hard. But there is light at the end of the tunnel! Once you stop, and I bet you’ll always have your weaknesses in regards to particular foods, it’s easy to avoid junk food.

I love you. And I miss you. And I too want you to get your weight under control because it will mean you’re healthier and can be proud of yourself for fighting so hard. But I still think you’re damn cute as you are.

PS: I got to chop wood today. I have pictures if you want to see them. Chopping wood is sexy. You can come help me next time, maybe you’ll like it too!

[Verilian]

Everyone makes good points, and I just wanted to comment on something Amanda said. Find something you enjoy to work out, it doesn't have to be the gym. I don't know why I didn't think to mention this in my last post, but the reason I was so in shape before was because I was doing karate back then. Then I moved away for a year, had no teacher or class, and though I tried to work out in the back yard once it started snowing I was forced to retreat indoors and there wasn't any room for punching and kicking things and so I stopped for the winter. And I just never got myself back into it. But the point is, find something you enjoy that is also healthy for you to do and it will go a long way towards getting you to your goal.

[Aidara]

I swear I am going to complete it this time. September (2011) 1. Start a brawl. Kovac gets beat up by a GIRL! 2. Train a skill. Addy tries to Sew! 3. Take a fall. 4. Craft something completely from scratch. Finally, the endal pair get the saddle they so desperately needed...plus a little extra thanks to Addy. October(2011) 1. Throw a party. Baby Shower! 2. Have a crazy dream. 3. Wax eloquently on a topic for bells. 4. Invent a new saying. November(2011) 1. Try your hand at home brewing. 2. Insult someone or be insulted. Addy tells Kovac whats up. 3. Give someone a gift or receive one. Sira and Addy both receive many gifts. 4. Acquire a serious injury. Ideas for the rest of the threads: Take a fall and get injured emotionally is going to be tied together in a super awesome thread involving Sira, her sex dream about Sai.. and more sexy-sex. Have a crazy dream,try home brewing, and invent a new saying are also going to be tied together. Addy is going to be given some drugs and is going to start to experiment with them, at one point trying to convince Sira to try them as well. Wax eloquently for bells is up for grabs. Could be a solo or a partnered thread, so if you're interested let me know. I'm getting close!

[Sairque]

Oh! Snap! I forgot about the sex dreams! *Scurries off*

[Aidara]

Inspired Simply put, I have found myself very inspired as of late. However, that hasn't been translating well into my writing. I feel like the quality of my posts have gone sharply downhill since a year ago when I first started her at Miz. But the problem is I can't tell if it is simply me, once again, being too hard on myself and I just don't notice my improvement or I am right and I haven't improved. If someone could give me some honest feedback, that would be awesome. And I'm not asking to just be complimented, either. Negatives are welcome. With that being said, I am sorry to my thread partners if I have an outstanding thread or two sitting around. I think it's the weather. I've gotten used to day-in-day-out sunshine and it's been raining for around five days. So never fear, as I have been writing responces to these posts in my head, I just haven't the motivation to type them out. I find myself laying down to read instead. However, I don't think that's a bad thing. I did notice in my writing that when I was all consumed by Miz and was forgoing any kind of reading to just write that my writing DID go downhill. I lost the edge on my vocabulary etc. I see words in books and store them away for later. I see the way this author described this certain thing and it inspires me to try that as well. I think I am frequently forgetting how much I really do love reading. On that note, I am sorry I cannot reply right now. I'm reading.