[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

by **Aidara** on May 17th, 2011, 2:28 am

I think I have watched this like, at least 50 times in the past couple days.

ENJOY!!

So it was my best friend's birthday party yesterday, and it was a blast. Our friend Rachel came over with her two kids, one of which is only a couple months old. I held her for a bit, and it seriously made me want like 12 of my own. Then again, she is an uncommonly good baby. Then I had s'mores. Enough said.

I'm also stuck in my writing and it sucks. I dont know where I want any of my characters to go. Maybe I'm good at writing details, and I'm told I have skill. But I can't do plots. I don't have any over reaching themes that are going to develop into anything else in the future. It's really frustrating and I don't know what to do.

by **Aidara** on May 19th, 2011, 3:17 am

I'm getting a puppy!!!!!

To start at the beginning: I am moving to California to go to school, find a job and live with my boyfriend. I'll live around the San Fransisco area.

Anyway. We heard of a dog that needed a home. A dachshund that was being rejected because it was too shy for the show circuit.

Her name is Paloma and she'll be roughly four months old. I get to California on June 1st but she will be waiting for me at my house since the 27th

Needless to say I am ecstatic. I don't have an actual picture of her, but this is what she'll look like. But that my boyfriends dog, Enzo. She will be Miniature, long haired, black and tan female. This will be the first dog that I own, that is actually mine. Every other one I've had has been a family dog.

by **Sira** on May 19th, 2011, 3:21 am

We're going to miss you in Rho- oh wait.. I don't live there. Cute puppy. Have fun in california! Maybe I will stop by and bring you some Blue-Bell icecream on my eventual road trip. Because everybody needs to try blue bell ice cream at least once in their life, and you can only get it in texas. (i think)

by **Phoenix** on May 19th, 2011, 4:16 am

Of course you can only get it in Texas. It's one more thing for them to feel important about.

by **Aidara** on May 25th, 2011, 10:48 pm

Cue pretty picture to be used in attempt to cheer myself up:

I want to be there.

So here I am. Frustrated as all hell because my iPhone won't connect to the internet, saying the password to the wifi is wrong, while my sister's iPhone and my laptop both connect with the same password fine.

And then I cry.

Now that I am done having a temper tantrum, (which are few and far between now that I am almost 24) I guess I'll try to actually solve the problem and try and figure out what is wrong with my phone. There is no software updates and so I am trying a restore to see if that helps. I just hope I don't have to go to the Mac store and get another one. It's like an hours drive away.

Kay so now I'm still sitting here while the stupid thing updates all the software again...and I feel frustrated as all holy hell. I can put my finger on a couple reasons why but they don't feel significant enough to have caused this kind of turmoil. My chest feels all tight and squirmy at the same time, and if I even think about the fact that I am ridiculously frustrated for no reason, I start to cry again. Stupid.

So, I've told a couple people and posted it in various places. I'm moving to Cali in like..well, next Wednesday is my flight. I am coming back at the end of the summer to get my car and drive cross country (Yay!) so I'm not taking everything right now, but I am taking a lot of things. This means packing. I have a good head start, but things like this.. I can't do by myself. I just flounder and don't know where to start first. So I asked my mom to help me and we're going to do so, but just not today I guess. So I guess that part of the frustration. I could do it all by myself...but I just...can't. I don't know how to explain it. And that's the second bit of frustration.

I also haven't been doing much lately. Kinda just laying around, being useless. Frustration number three. I also don't have a job and feel pretty low on myself, which I guess I can tack onto the third bit. There just isn't much to do.

'Cept substitute the disgusting Bud Light with Dunkin Donuts and that's about accurate.

I also haven't had writing as an outlet. I was talking to Jen, and I was trying to describe (in under 250 characters at a time, since we were both on our phones) that I find myself unable to write any kind of solo or respond to any posts in progress at this time. Why? Well, probably partly because of my frustration, as well as my excitment and anticipation of what is to come. My mind has completely derailed, basically. I keep thinking of things I need to do, want to do, can't wait to be able to do, and that is all very distracting. I have tried many, many times to sit down and reply. But I need quiet to be able to concentrate and produce a post that I think is worthy of my skill. I can write anywhere, this is true, even if it's loud and populated but my best work comes from quiet. And my mind is anything but quiet.

I think a bit of lingering frustration comes from the fact that I am still struggling with my writing. I really am a perfectionist. I need the best from myself, or I'm not happy with it. Sometimes it's a sucky way to live (like right now) but other times I really do push myself and get the results that I am looking for.

Aidara was my first character that I had created all by myself, in my own head, in like.... 8 years. The last time I created characters, I was 13 years old, in AOL user-created chat rooms, just playing post-by-post with a bunch of other random people. Except for the character that I played with Amanda, it was different every night, or multiple times a night depending on how bored I got with whatever I was writing. Either way, they were all the same: Beautiful, perfect, and boring.

Over the years I tried to write a whole boat load of things, but they never made it past a few paragraphs. I tried starting in the beginning of a story, I tried starting in the middle and the end. None of it worked. I tried writing outlines and plotting out what I wanted to happen, but it was all cliche and boring, or stolen from some book I'd read who knows when, and they never made it past the half-completed outline in the garbage can.

Eh, I've always had self confidence issues. It trickles into my writing as well, hence all the whining I just did above.

Anyway Aidara ended up more like me than I ever expected. But I'm alright with it now (I was disappointed and upset at first once it was pointed out to me) because it's my first try in a long time. She's comfortable and easy to write for, and I guess that's what I needed to start out with. But like I complained in an earlier rant, she has no purpose.

So I have a couple other characters that I am itching to try out, but again..self confidence issues. I find myself staring at the forum unsure of how to start, where to start, or what to do. I don't want to be boring. I guess I'm afraid of putting up a thread or joining a thread and my lack of ability to create a plot or a future for my character impedes on my ability to just go for it.

Not to mention that I think my writing has really gone down hill the past couple of months. I don't think I am really nearly as good as I think I am (Just to clarify, I don't think I'm a super awesome award winning writer. I'm decent, I guess) and I'm not just saying this for compliments or "OMGUH YOU'RE AWESOME STFU." It's legit selfconciousness that I've been holding inside for a while.
I'm seriously jealous of all you out there who write awesomely. I read Jen and Mish and Amanda and Pao and Mike and Chemar and Vala and like, everyone else in Wind Reach and Lhavit (since I don't have a lot of time, I haven't really gone reading a ton of random posts lately, and those people are just in the forefront of my mind. No offence meant if I didn't list you. There are a ton of people I'm jealous of that I didn't list) write and I'm just like aqo4w36qyt8aklsdejfaltgjao4r SERIOUSLY?!

Also feel kinda fail in the mod department. I could bring so much more to the table than I do. Still haven't written up the couple descriptions I have left. I had been working really hard on the Market Thread but now that it has been done for a while, I haven't even tried pursuing another project. Fail fail fail.

Ugh.

by **Mercury** on May 26th, 2011, 12:09 am

Joooooles.

You were the first mod/person to greet and guide me on Miza (I've been secretly stalking you ever since

). Anyhoo I've never been good at consoling, and I'm pretty sure you want to get out of your wallowing so I shall provide you with a bombardment of pictures to distract you instead. Hopefully you will find at least one funny

<3 Milk

I made you a cookie, but I eated it :

by **Sira** on May 26th, 2011, 1:54 am

*smacksmack* Snap out of it! So you can't write right now... BIG DEAL! You are moving to f:)k^^g California! That is an awesome thing. Be happy, be crappy, and just know we will all be here when you come out of your writing funk to huggle you and bombard you with writing opportunity!

Now that my pep talk is over.. I know how you feel. I vanished for a while also.. I do it fairly regularly actually. How do I get reinspired? Well one time it was because of you, so maybe you can let me return the favor. Just recently it was by grading a thread for Seth because he is also going through a funk, and that thread even though it technically wasn't the most amazing thread ever inspired me to revive another character.

All sorts of things can get you back into the game. Somebody said to me, "If you can't write, grade some threads." I scoffed at the notion at first, but felt bad that I was shirking my duties and guess what, it worked! I ended up grading five threads and cranking out six posts in 24 hours.

On my old site I vanished for four months. I kept trying to come back but couldn't. What brought me back? ..okay, I don't know the answer to that one. Time I guess. Not saying you should vanish for months (please don't, I will hunt you down if you do) but sometimes you just gotta wait it out.

...I hope some of this was useful. If none of it was, then I can revert to smacking you of you like.

PS: I don't know what your relationship with your bf is like but also sometimes when I have writers block a little.. Um.. Night of passion can get your creative juices, or at least some kind of juices, flowing.

by **Aidara** on May 26th, 2011, 2:55 am

Oh, I don't know how I didn't add "Sira" to my list of jealousy writing. Slipped my mind, cause in my other tag I was staring at one of our threads. My bad. You know I'm jealous of your writing.

And thank you. I know everyone understands and I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it's just the frustration factor that is making me go crazy, I think. And I'm not even meaning just this week either. Some of the things I let out I'd been holding onto for a while.

I vanished a few times, as you know. I had those moments where I just couldn't make myself write..and then it got to a point where I didn't want to come back because I was afraid I would be out of the loop and then hated because I left so suddenly. I'm not going to leave again.

lol night of passion. You crack me up. How'd your castration post go, btw? I disappeared halfway through that convo cause my phone died.

And Nina...Those pictures made me LAUGH. Thanks <3 I'm not always good at consoling either, but sometimes just sharing things like those pictures work just as well. It was nice of you to try.

It worked.

I lurves you two.

by **Aidara** on May 26th, 2011, 3:04 am

Alright, so my boyfriend Ian is completely obsessed with Reddit. I don't...really know what the website is because I tried to use it once out of curiosety and just couldn't really bother with it.

But either way, he bombards my e-mail with the comics that he thinks are funny, and since Nina inspired me, I figured I would share some of the funny ones from today.

And finally...

Puppy Update!

I got a call from the breeder today. The flight (the dog is coming from Washington) is confirmed for Friday, 4pm. The woman was crying because she's been breeding dogs for 15 years, and while this dog wasn't show quality because of her personality (Which is why I got her, for free, because no one else was interested), she said it was the prettiest doxie that she's ever seen. I'm so excited! Even though she comes in Friday, I don't get to see her until I fly in to SFO next Wednesday. I'm so excited.

Shes six months old, and they've been calling her Paloma but I think I am going to shorten it to Polly.

by **Phoenix** on May 27th, 2011, 11:09 pm

I went out to eat the last night with Marissa. We had just finished cleaning and organizing for her move to her new apartment, and so we were in a pretty good mood at the restaurant.

lol, then when we were the done, the waiter came and handed me the check. Me specifically. It said "I gave you 10% off your bill 'cause you're adorable. Shhhhhhh"

Made. My. Week.