[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

by **Aidara** on May 29th, 2011, 6:00 pm

If I was a cat, I want to be this one.

And! My puppy, Polly.

I haven't met her yet. I have to wait three more days, and my boyfriend sucks at taking cute pictures, so this is the best one I've got.

by **Aidara** on May 30th, 2011, 6:26 am

People, do I need to change up the background and stuff of my scrapbook? Is it too boring?

by **Aidara** on August 16th, 2011, 11:29 pm

It's time for another grand entrance, me thinks.

I feel like I've done this before..

Oh wait, cause I have.

I'm back, and ready to be a real person, if you will. Literally anyone will tell you that life is full of ups, downs, trials and tribulations. But who really knows what that means? They're sayings that have lost their meanings due to overuse. Unless you have felt the darkness creep into the otherwise sunny days of your life, it is a hard concept to grasp.

I have made some mistakes, within my real life and my Mizahar one. I felt the weight of a dark depression and allowed it to collapse me, withdrawing from everyone who cared instead of reaching out and asking for help. For that, I apologize. During those times, it's hard to make lucid decisions. What seems like a good idea then usually isn't in retrospect. That's where I stand now, in the face of the choices that I made and regretting them.

Right, it is not that big of a deal, considering I am healthy and alive and in mostly the same place as before I fell into a metaphorical hole. Just my regrets. I know I am shirking on the details, but I'm not sure if that's what people want to read. I'm more than willing to give a fuller account to those who are curious, just message me.

Now, with all that behind me, I realize (finally, even though I've said it before. In this scrapbook even) that I need help: From friends, family and even medicine. I'm not going to make the same mistake a third time. Sometimes it's hard to admit that you can't do everything yourself. You can't fix everything. That's my problem, I want to fix everything. Twice I have tried to fix it, all by myself, and twice I have found myself writing a post much like this as well as explaining my actions to my friends. I love them for understanding and repeatedly taking me back. No one is perfect, you know? But I'm done making the same mistakes.

Thanks, my loves. I appreciate each and everyone of you. Even if you're reading this, and I don't know you...I want to get to know you. We can hug and be friends. I like hugs. ^_^

-Jules

by **Aidara** on August 22nd, 2011, 11:37 pm

I allow many wieners into my bed.

From left to right: Polly(Paloma), Enzo, Java, Bear, Turbo(Wubbie)

Polly is mine, and a "street walker" (not sure if I can say the real word. Young eyes around, y'know) for food, Enzo is deaf. I think he is also a little mentally challenged. He can't jump onto or off of things. You pick him up onto the sofa, and you have to put him back down afterwards or he will stay there forever (We've never actually tested that theory, but it's a safe assumption. Sometimes he gets forgotten. Shhh). Java is the oldest, which is probably obvious and has gone deaf and almost blind in his old age. Bear is a cutie and the most vocal. Turbo takes after his name. Even with his stubby little legs, he can take the steps three at a time. He never stops moving or barking and can be quite annoying.

There is one wiener missing from this picture. That is Millie. As far as anyone knows, she was sent to a shelter in a box. No one knows what happened to her, but you can't grab her. She runs as if she's been severely beaten, and you have to let her come to you. There is actually a laundry list of stuff wrong with the poor thing. She's different than the rest, a wire hair black and tan. Many think shes ugly but I think she's adorable. If you've looked in my scrapbook, you'll see that I have a wire hair Jack Russel who isn't the prettiest thing ever, but is a sweetheart.

And here is Millie.

Edit: I realized that I hadn't added a decent picture of Sophie, my jack russle. I love pictures of my puppies, so here you go.

by **Taln** on August 23rd, 2011, 12:39 am

All of your dogs are gorgeous--especially the wire-haired ones!

by **Aidara** on September 9th, 2011, 4:08 am

I don't update my scrapbook very often. I felt like no one read any of it, or didn't care that I had anything to say.

I was sitting here reading other peoples, smiling and getting a kick out of some while others made me stop and think, and other made me annoyed. Actually, the last one I read was Mike's Address. That one touched me.

And then I realized that I've been doing it wrong. I do a lot of things wrong, actually. But I don't need to write in here for other people. I don't need to update it daily or bi weekly or whatever like "everyone else". I'll admit that I get caught up in keeping up with everyone else. I can update whenever I want, and if no one reads it, who cares? I have had a lot of anxiety and angst building up inside me lately. I've felt on the verge of tears one moment and wanting to laugh the next.

I feel rather out of sight, out of mind. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to keep up with everyone else, otherwise I'll just be sucked down river and forgotten. My rational mind tells me that obviously that is not true. I have family and friends that care about me and notice when I am not around. My emotional mind tells my rational mind to shut up, it's busy worrying.

I have had a really hard year. It's been an emotional roller coaster that is hard to put into words. A lot of it I don't remember in detail, I just simply remember that I was happy for a while, or sad for a while, lots of time with nothing that notably set it off.

I'm feeling lost, incredibly lost. I moved cross country, away from my friends and my family in pursue of my career and my relationship. Now I am living in someone elses house, dealing with problems that aren't mine and feeling unable to not take certain things personally. I see my boyfriend treated badly by his family and get more upset about it than he does. I can't help it. I'm taking on more anger and frustration than I really need too and I don't know how to stop.

Normally, I just hold all of this in. In fact, this scrap is turning out to be a lot more choppy than I thought it was going to be. It's hard for me to type all this out. In fact, I'm crying. Over what? What am I crying over?

I know, I know. This makes me seem like an emo fool. But anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am actually a very cheerful person. But like everyone, I have my problems. Maybe I just have more trouble dealing with them than everyone else.

Oh, and I'm turning 24 in 10 days, what's up with that?

by **Sairque** on September 10th, 2011, 3:13 pm

Dear Julie,

If you're done having alone time, does that mean I can resume bugging you nonstop?

by **Aidara** on September 12th, 2011, 3:11 am

Pictured: Baby Cat.

Today felt like it was going to be a very productive day. I got up early and finished my homework before noon. I thought for sure that I would finally get the solos and flashbacks I had planned for Addy and Cailet up and running. Instead, I spent the majority of the day watching the various broadcasts from and about 9/11.

Like every other American, I remember exactly where I was when I heard what happened.

As it was, I was in 8th grade and school had been in session for less than two weeks. Since the school had been remodeled, we were getting a tour of the new library as a class when the first tower was hit. The librarians were watching the news live on one of the TV's when the second was hit. I saw it happen, but I didn't know what it meant. We were immediately rushed back to our homerooms.

I don't remember anything much after that; A girl in my homeroom was rushed out crying because her uncle worked in the first tower. We were told that terrorists had hit the twin towers.

That meant absolutely nothing to me. I was a very innocent child, even if I was 13-14 years old. I knew nothing about the world, what the twin towers even were, or what terrorists were. I lived in a really happy world till that point. Now I'm not saying that this news changed my life completely, because it didn't. I knew things were going on, but I really, really didn't understand.

It wasn't until I went home that I really realized that something was wrong. My mom sat me, my sister and brother down and explained to us that most likely, the US was going to go to war. Remember that I was in eighth grade: History up until this point consists of the Civil war and before. I instantly had visions of soldiers marching down my streets with tanks, bombs dropping everywhere... basically all the stock images from those old-school wars. I was terrified. I spent the entire day in my room, hiding under my covers.

I never watched the news or read any of the articles about the day; it scared me too much. In later years, I also avoided it as I found it made me way too upset now that I was old enough to completely understand. I did read articles and watch the news enough to know what was going on and why. But it was the bare minimum.

So today was the first time I actually sat down and watched everything. The news broadcasts that were live at the time, the home made footage, the interviews and even the Flight 93 movie. I'm not proud that it took me 10 years to completely saturate myself in what happened that day, but it did.

I feel kind of sad now, as is pretty much expected. I feel like the last of my innocence over the matter finally died as I gained a full spectrum awareness of what happened. I'm really trying to deal with this strange feeling right now; it's hard to put to words.

by **Aidara** on September 13th, 2011, 12:05 am

A Positive Rant for a Change

My newest desktop background. I thought I'd share it's awesomeness.

So I've done some serious scrapbook stalking the past couple days. I've read numerous people's scraps from start to finish (I tried to read all of Jen's but DAMN WOMAN. 35 pages?) and I honestly do feel like I know a few of you a lot better, or at least the subtle workings of your minds, and the random thoughts that you felt motivated to scrap about. At the same time, I feel like a stalker. You don't know that I was delving into these little things; I kind of feel like I've been camping out behind your houses and peeking in windows when you're not looking. So I'm sorry for that, please forgive me. Any of you are allowed to stalk me anytime.

Stalking or just insatiably curious, it doesn't matter. I was feeling a little bit down about myself, as it happens from time to time. Now, I'm not going to say "Reading other peoples scraps made me feel better about myself!" because that sounds unusually shitty, especially if someone has written some kind of unhappy scrap lately.

But they did help me put my life into perspective. So, thank you scrapbookers. I really appreciate all the work that you all put into your scraps for us Mizaharians to read.

So like I said, I'm happy. Really, I am. It has taken me a while to push all the shitty things aside and just focus on the glowing awesome that can be my life if I try. Try is the key word.

For a long time (as I briefly discussed in Merenwen's Scrap) I was depressed, and I wasn't trying. Even after I began the climb back out of my little hole (that I still sometimes slip back into), I for some reason still didn't think I had to try. I submerged myself in MMO's, books and anything that wasn't reality. I still had friends that, for some reason, stuck by my side. And god bless them because I don't know what I would have done without them. Happiness just comes, right? You just sit there and everything just falls into place around you while puppies appear in your lap...right?

It sounds ridiculous and stupid when I put it that way, but it didn't sound so stupid when I was actually living like that. But now...now, I'm trying.

My life ISN'T PERFECT! It will NEVER be perfect in all the ways that I want it to be perfect. I'm turning 24 and I'm still a year or more away from graduating college- I've been in college for like 6 years now. Had I had my way, I'd have a diploma in hand heading off to an "adult job" by now.

I don't have a job and I get to do whatever I want all day. I have one class this semester (Not my choice, as I'm still an out of state student and just simply can't afford more than one at the moment), and I'm in a completely new state. I don't have any new friends here, I'm stuck in someone else's house with all their internal family problems and it's difficult.

But you know what? It's okay. I am being taken care of, people are nice to me, love me for who I am and want me to be around. How can I be upset about that? Everything else will fall into place, if I keep trying. That is what I truly believe.

And I have Ian. And I love him to death and he makes me unbelievably happy. He knows almost all my faults, has dealt with my grumpiness and bares with it when I am snappy. And I know he'll take care of me.

That's us in San Francisco. Awwwwwwww, right? SAY IT!

Just kidding, you don't have to agree.

If you've read this far, thank you. I meant for this to be a happy, YAY I ROCK post, but it got a little dragged down because I think and dwell way too much. However, I intend to keep improving. Feel free to offer advice or anything, because I honestly take what people say to heart (sometimes it's a bad quality, because people don't always say nice things).

I do have one final thing to say before I wrap this up: I love Miz. Many people have claimed this same thing, and hopefully many, many more will in the future. I've met some WONDERFUL people here, some of whom I count among my very close friends. I haven't had as much time to meet some of the newer people around lately, but I am honestly going to make an effort to get to know all of you other awesome people out there. It's really hard sometimes to find people to relate to in real life. Miza is like a breeding ground of people I can relate too. Who cares if they're spread across different countries? Internet friends are still real friends, damn it.

Okay, I'm done. For now.

Jules

by **Verilian** on September 13th, 2011, 12:43 am

I'm happy to hear you say.. write.. all that! It makes me happy, and you do rock. And your boyfriend looks extremely familiar, almost exactly like someone I used to work with in Santa Fe, NM. But his name wasn't Ian.. I actually don't remember his name, but I know it wasn't Ian. Anyway, glad to see you happy. Now time to go get food!

~Ron