Ora Sa'vina's Scrapbook: Not too shiny.

by **Ora Sa'vina** on April 14th, 2011, 1:26 pm

Who am I?
Name: Britta, although most people here call me Ora/Ory/some other variation.
Age: 21
Profession: Full time college student(Tripe major: German Education, Bachelor of Fine Arts, Art Education), part time computer repair specialist.

When I first found this site, I felt such a rush of excitement and happiness. I mean, people who write more than half a paragraph in broken English? Yes, please.
Everyone I have met here has been such a joy, and I love all of you. Especially those who were there for me earlier this year.

I do feel the need to apologize for the absense that was as sudden as it was, and double apologize for not telling anyone what was going on. There is no excuse for me doing that, but I hope to remain relatively active from here on.

Now! I'm not making this for apologies, I made this as a place for me. A place to put things I make, things I want to rant about, just about anything, honestly.

This week has been strange for me. On Monday I taught my first lesson to a class of High School students, it was quite a lot of fun and I was surprised that I wasn't nervous while I was teaching. I remember back in High School, and even college, whenever I had to go and speak to the class, I was always nervous, my heart would pound, my stomach would be in my throat and I would sweat disgusting amounts. This time I didn't. I was calm, I was happy. In that moment of teaching, I realized I was right all those years, I truly do want to be a teacher. Sure, I'll get paid jackshit, but I'm not in it for the money, as tacky as it might sound, I am in it for the kids, for the future.

Tuesday I found out my friends cancer spread. I cried during the middle of my Physical therapy. He's one of my closest friends. I talk to him every day and I see him a few times a month. He has Thyroid and Lymph cancer. And I am terrified.
An advanced painter student approached me during class and told me I had to submit one of my paintings to the Exhibit my school is having. She offered to bring it there for me and submit it as I had to leave to get ready for PT. She submitted it for me.

Wednesday I went to the room where the rejected art pieces were found, the pieces that would not be exhibited. My piece wasn't there. On Wednesday I had my first ever exhibited piece. It'll be in the gallery until Finals week. I was so excited I was literally jumping up and down, I spoke with a girl who I had a class with and all she could do was chuckle at my excitment. I felt a little lame, I'll admit, but I was so happy.

Today I get to lead a field trip for a group of Seventh graders. We'll see how that goes.

Now, to address the photo I attached. That is a photo of myself, it's from November, I just really like my expression, I genuinely look happy.

by **Abashai** on April 14th, 2011, 3:11 pm

Ora, we are so glad you are back. Aside from good RP fun, I hope we can provide you with some friendship and encouragement too.

And you are adorable!

Mike

by **Alice** on April 16th, 2011, 7:50 pm

What? Ora is back? Seriously?!

I can't express how happy I am to see you back. I've missed you and your ideas and your beautiful Konti. Welcome back! You're also very beautiful in real life! The only thing I don't really like about your scrapbook is how the background makes it hard to read the writing. But I'm excited that you're back and want to talk about yourself here. Hope to talk to you in chat/via AIM soon.

by **Ora Sa'vina** on April 21st, 2011, 3:53 am

The field trip on Thursday was amazing. I love working with kids, I love teaching. I love the path I'm headed down.

I have a fibers wall hanging I made going into another show which is not run through my school, it's at an arts center, I'm pretty excited about all of this.

My painting professor told me I have a great deal of talent. Talk about a self esteem boost. I never expected a teacher, especially that one, to say something like that, and genuinely mean it. I've never been a very confident person especially when it comes to art; but the support and encouragement I'm getting at school has been exactly what I've needed. I hope I don't become "one of those" artists, who's ego is far to large, I just want to stop feeling like I need to hide my work.

The art I make isn't supposed to be a pretty picture, it might seem pretty, but that's not its intended purpose. Art is how I get everything out, it's my way of relaxing, it's my way of making myself happy. Creating something is one of the most amazing things a person can do. Creating something that comes from the soul/mind/whatever you want to call someones being, is the purest form of expression. It amazes me every time I see someone pour themselves into a piece of work, you can see it in there, you can see a private part of them you wouldn't otherwise know.

There's nothing I would rather be doing than creating art.

Alice: <3 I hope to talk with you again. I would love to help with Mura still from a non-official point. <3

Mike: Thank you, you're so kind. I'm glad to be back, I've missed you all.

by **Ora Sa'vina** on May 11th, 2011, 2:16 am

.

I'msofuckingsickofthis.
Below is a rant about stupid crap that isn't really important to anyone but me, feel free to read if you desire. I'll keep it short.

October was when all of this started. I was able to live with it, mostly, I mean, it sucked, it hurt like the dickens, but I was able to remain relatively active, which was nice. I enjoy working out, honestly, I enjoy running on a treadmill and reading Chuck Palahniuk.

But that all came crashing down quickly, and no answers were found. Months of bullshit, pain, and stress eventually lead me to sixteen weeks of PT.

And you know what? That was starting to go great, I was feeling better, it didn't hurt as much, I wasn't popping pain pills like tictacs, it was awesome. Then out of fucking nowhere, it all came back, but worse. How the hell could it be worse, you ask? Easily.

I was put on steroids again. Which is not awesome. They make me sweat really bad and it's suuuper gross. Shower a few times a day gross. Wear maxipads in your pits gross.

Yeah.

Gross.

The steroids finished up without helping in the slightest. So what happened next, you ask? Epidural Steroid Injection, ESI for short.

Terrified? Yes.
So I went through with that today, which was yucky. They stick a 3ish inch needle up through the hole in your tail bone then inject steroids and local anesthetic. The local anesthetic was awesome, the pain was manageable. It was great.

Then it wore off; which I knew was going to happen, but God; I didn't want it to.

But. Things aren't all bad, right? Right.

Keep looking up.

Keep your head up darling, everyone wants to see your beautiful smile.

Right? Right. I'm trying, I swear. It's hard to keep smiling when you're brought to tears by walking.

I hope this injection works. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

Surgery is the next step. I hope I don't get there.

But hey, this is cute.

.

by **Ora Sa'vina** on May 16th, 2011, 7:16 pm

.

ArtsyFartsy

Hooray! My school year is done! I'm glad and also quite sad that I'm done for the year. I loved -most- of my classes and the people in them, but all good things always seem to come to an end.

So! I have the five paintings I did this semester and they will be below, honest. Anyways, when it came to my art stuff this year I was really amazed. This is the first time in my life where I have had any confidence in my art work. Before I always thought I was average at best, you know, those artists that learn how to paint happy trees and make wood snowmen sculptures for stay at home moms in suburbia. (Not that I've ever made any of those things, but you get my point.)

I feel like I have something for once. I have a skill that people will actually enjoy. Maybe I am a special snowflake.

My painting teacher was a quiet man, kind of weird and very forgetful. I had taken the intro painting course at a different school, so I had never had this teacher, and he had never met me before then. This is the kind of teacher who still won't remember your name after you have him nine times, he's just that kind of guy; and I loved his teacher, he was great.

And he remembered my name.

He always was helpful and encouraging to what I was doing. He was excited that I wasn't painting pretty realistic pictures, I was painting what I wanted and what I felt like painting in the way I see things.

I see things as amazing, everything is amazing once you think about it. For example, this computer? It's more than just a bunch of bits, someone invented these parts, someone who has a family, dreams, loves, hates, someone made this possible. It's made up of little bits, but it ultimately becomes a greater thing.

That's how I paint. In bits. I break things down, then create a whole.

Anyways. Enough jabber, if you wanted to listen to blabbing about silliness you'd be listening to fox news.

I'm putting them in secrets because they're large images.

Secret :

So! That's it for now. I've had a rant mulling around in my head, but I don't think now is quite the right time to let it out.

I hope you enjoyed.

<3

by **Ora Sa'vina** on June 6th, 2011, 9:10 pm

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More Medical Crap

I had another MRI done. This is my fifth MRI in a year. It was really reassuring when my doctor told me he didn't know the “long term effects of having this many MRIs.” well, if I grow a third arm, I'm sure I'll find a use for it. My original MRI was not too bad, honestly. Back in January it showed a protruding disc at L4-5 with a small tear; AKA: A disc in my low back was sticking out into my spinal canal and was tearing a little bit. But it's progressed much more than I'd like. It's herniated into my abdomen as well as herniated into my spinal cord canal. Basically, the disc went squish, and stuff went all over. In addition to that, the degeneration of this disc has caused generalized Levocurvature. aka: Scoliosis. As well, there's a small cyst forming in my spinal cord.

I saw a surgeon, he's having me do more steroids. I'm sick of steroids. I am so sick of steroids. I'm kicked on my ass for three-four days, then slowly I feel like I did before the injection. Yes, lets do this some more. I really enjoy being stuck at home in bed. I don't want to go out and see my friends, I don't want to go to the bar. Naaah, I think lying in bed watching cops all day is perfect.

If these steroid injection(s?) don't work it's looked like a total disc replacement. Which is not covered by insurance. It costs between $45,000-$110,000. As a to-be teacher, my starting salary would be half of the starting cost for the surgery. So I cannot afford that.

I'm 21.

I cannot do a fusion, why? Surgeons refuse, I'm too young. Why else? I want to run again. I miss running. I miss climbing. I miss jumping. I miss moving.

I'm going to go see additional surgeons, hopefully with enough surgeons saying I need it insurance will cover it. It feels a little hopeless, but I still have a bit left in me.

God I hope so. I'm sick of being on pain killers all the time. I want my mind to be unclouded for more than 24 hours.

Enough of that selfish complaining fest.

How are you, darlings? Anyone have spectacular plans for the summer? I'd love to hear them!

by **Gossamer** on June 6th, 2011, 9:25 pm

I always like reading your scraps even though they are about your illness. I call it an illness because I don't think anyone really has told you whats wrong yet and how you can fix it because back injuries or even birth defects are tricky things and the truth is most doctors don't know what to do other than charge extraordinary sums of money for surgeries that are in no way guaranteed to work. The only thing they are guaranteed to do is put you in debt without knowing if its worth it to do so. I can really sense your rage here at that.

Sometimes when you read about people anywhere on the net being down and out with physical or mental conditions, their misery comes through and yet they seem always 'off' as if they are angry at the world and not just at the situation. I never feel sorry for these types of people because I believe your life is what you make of it regardless of the cards you are dealt. Your scraps, Ora, make me want to cheer you on and send good wishes that something will be discovered or an answer will be found with a positive solution that works for everyone - and is affordable.

I really like reading these posts of yours.

I find your posts really informative. I can actually feel your frustration and rage against the situation, not at the world. You cannot know how much I respect you for sharing this saga of frustration with us without trying to make those of us who are healthy feel guilty for being so.

Thank you. I wish you'd update more often.

by **Abashai** on June 7th, 2011, 12:32 pm

I wholeheartedly agree with Goss. Britta, it takes someone extraordinary to endure what you have and still be able to joke about it. I admire that, even find it inspiring. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with us. As well as your artwork! You title your scrap book Not Too Shiny....I think you shine rather brightly.

I will not pity you, but my heart goes out to you. I wish and pray for resolution, and strength to hold on until it comes!

Now, on a lighter note, can you tell me how to fix my computer?

by **Ora Sa'vina** on July 9th, 2011, 3:33 pm

Too much crap has been going on.

I've had 2 minor procedures on my back for diagnostics. And lots of pain killers. Lots. And Lots.

I will be having surgery, it's assured now. Luckily it isn't a fusion and I shouldn't be in the hospital long. But, there is too much else I need to focus on right now. I'll try to keep up with Zuzana and the thread with Tarot and Satu, but all the others are going to the way-side for the time being.

I'm sorry.