[Dream] Father, Where Art Thou? (Closed)

[Kendall Saarinen]

30th of Summer, 511 AV "i wasnt gasping so tell them when theyre asking tell them what i said there was nothing left to do with the things left to prove so i gave up on them" -Travis Bryant Kendall was back on the streets of Zeltiva. The city looked just like he had left it of course it seemed a bit foreign. Like he was looking at it with new eyes. He was in a way. So much had happened since he had left. Normally in his dreams he was female but the buffeting wind told him he was male by blowing his blond hair in front of his eyes. He clenched his teeth together looking toward the buildings of his home town. He missed the city of his childhood but he did not want to be there. Not like this. He took solace in the fact no one turned to look at him while he walked. He didn't want to have their eyes on him. Kendall did not even know where he was going, only that he did not want to stop moving forward. Mismatched eyes glided over the buildings as he walked. They looked the same. Stoney and strong. One looked a bit off though. Like the color was gone from the bricks and merchandice. He looked at the building with a confused glance before looking at the people around him. No one seemed to notice the strange lack in color. They just walked silently ignoring the colorless building and the strange blond haired boy with mismatched eyes. The shop seemed to continue functioning on it's own. Inside the people still worked and the customers still shopped. They seemed to exist on a plane all of their own within the shop. He sight of the shop seemed to stir up something deep within Kendall. A biting anxiety that he couldn't shake. Why did it seem to haunting to him? He could have stared at it and wondered for bells. He would have too if it was not for a person running toward the shop. It was a girl, or it seemed like it. She seemed to be shifting as she ran. One moment she was running, her long colorless hair trailing after her, and the next she seemed to phase out of sight almost as if she had been an illusion. Strange... The girl ran, seemingly like she was trying to get away from something. As he looked at her he felt a wave of fear wash over him. He had felt this before. This exact same feeling. It had been seasons ago. Before Kendall's lips could form the words that wanted to burst from his mind a man ran out of the store. He was drenched in the same black and white shade as the building and the girl. He was the girl though. The man who was running looked exactly like Kendall except for his monocromatic color scheme. That man was Kendall. The day he woke up after his accident.

[Kendall Saarinen]

The sight chilled Kendall to the bone. This was not a figment of his imagination. This was a memory, or at least a projection of one. He watched the colorless version of himself run from the store. No one turned to look at him. Kendall would have run to him but after the man ran a few more feet he seemed to flicker out of sight. As the man disappeared, the store shuddered back into color. It seemed like nothing had even happened there now. In response, another part of the city seemed to have the color drain out of it, the steps of the university. Sitting there was a couple holding hands. The steps seemed to be void of color but the boy seemed to radiate a weak purple light. Kendall wondered if the color was an aura. It could have been but why did no one else have one then? Unlike the shop, the people walked through this scene. They seemed to be full of color until they stepped onto the steps. Then the color seemed to seep out of them like running ink. Once they were off the stairs they regained their previous color. Kendall could not understand why though. ”You look beautiful today.” The boy seemed to whisper to the girl who simply giggled and kissed him lovingly. Her lips moved in response but there was not any sound coming from them. Her words seemed to be very emoted and happy but her voice seemed to be muted. The boy kissed her on the forehead after her silent speech was over. ”We should spend the night together tonight.” Kendall looked at the pair quizzically as they talked. The conversation seemed very familiar. It seemed almost like he had hear it in another life. He needed to get closer so he could see their faces clearer. They both looked so blurry. As he walked closer he saw the girl look at the boy with a furrowed brow. Her lips moved again without sound but this time she did not look as happy. The boy glared at her furiously but his purple glow did not seem to change colors or intensity. So it wasn’t auristics. ”I don’t understand why you don’t want to sleep with me…” The girl’s name seemed to be muffled out at the boy said it. ”Girls much younger than you were married back where I come from. If you were a Vantha like me you would have already married me by now.” The couple became clear after those words. Kendall remembered that statement almost better than he knew his own name. ”Besides, if you loved me you would sleep with me. It is not like I am asking you for more than sex.” This was another memory. A memory of the day Kay’lan had convinced Kendall to sleep with him before he was ready. It was a day Kendall regretted every day. ”I really do love you Kay’lan… I would do anything for you.“ After the words were said the couple walked hand in hand off of the stairs. Kay’lan wore a proud look of satisfaction in his devious color changing eyes while the female version of Kendall looked as though she was on the verge of crying. The words seemed to echo in Kendall’s mind. ”I would do anything for you.” He had sealed his fate with those words. It was years until the nightly meetings with Kay’lan seemed to feel right. Kendall had not been ready. The pair seemed to dissipate into mist as they distanced themselves from the stairs. Again, the color returned in their wake. Kendall looked at the stairs blankly, remembering the day he had heard Kay’lan have that same talk with him. He nearly jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. ”You are much taller than I remembered Kendall.” The voice was deep and it brought up mixed feelings within him. ”I wonder why Layton. Maybe it is because I am a completely different person than you remember.” He turned to face his older brother. He looked exactly the same but he was still covered in blood like he had been the day Ivak marked Kendall. ”You are still bloody…” Layton simply nodded and motioned Kendall to follow. ”You think you could try to kill your own brother and not leave a mark?”

[Kendall Saarinen]

Following Layton, Kendall made his way through Zeltiva. It was strange to look at Layton all covered in blood. He felt guilty that he had hurt his brother. Granted, if he had the chance to go back and stop himself from trying to kill him he would not have taken the chance. Even if he had hurt his brother and possibly ruined their relationship forever he could not take the chance. Everything happened for a reason. Without the outburst he would have never been touched by Ivak. Ivak gave him purpose and he protected him. He stepped forward and claimed him when his family threw him out. Regardless of it was for the right reasons, Kendall would always put his duties as an Azenth before his family in Zeltiva.  "You know, a lot has changed since you left. Our family has changed." Layton looked at Kendall with sad eyes. Regardless of how Layton felt in waking life, this version of him seemed to treat him like he was still his little sister. "Suanna just is not as fun of a sister as you. She is too interested in herself. Besides, she thinks Kel and I are immature." Kendall looked down at the ground as they walked. Behind them, a line of blood followed his older brother. It dripped from his hands and legs without any sign of stopping. If the two had been in waking life Layton would have bled out a long time ago. "Things would be better if you were home." Layton did not say he wanted Kendall to come home, just that things would be better if he did. "I cannot come back. It's not my time." He wanted to go home but it was the truth. Going back now would be nothing but trouble.  When the pair finally reached the Saarinen household Layton turned to Kendall. He opened his mouth started to move as though he was talking but two voices seemed to come from his lips.  "Dad is pissed at you, as he should be." "Everyone really misses you." Kendall kept quiet at his bother's side. He was not sure how to answer. "All of this shit that you have gotten yourself into has really made the family look bad. It's good you are gone. Dad shouldn't have to explain to everyone why his youngest daughter managed to get herself turned into a man." "We are all worried about you. No one knew where you went. It was hard seeing you as someone else. It was scary. You are my little sister and now… I don't know…" Tears pooled in Kendall's eyes as he heard the dual voices echoing from Layton's throat. One was so harsh. More harsh than Layton had ever been. The other was so soft and emotional, once again, more than his brother had ever spoken. "I'm sorry Layton. I really am. I'm trying to get better. It will just take time." He was embarrassed as spoke to his brother. "I hate that you see me like this." Layton did not look at him. He simply looked forward. "You disgust me." Kendall tried to listen for the other voice. The one that spoke kinder and softer. It remained silent, letting the angered voice do all of the talking. "I still love you Layton… Even if you find me disgusting." His older brother turned to him, his light blue eyes seeming to be blank. "You aren't my sister anymore." Kendall felt a small sob bubble up in his throat. "I'm still Kendall. You have to see that. Don't you still love me?" Layton simply shook his head. "You are not Kendall. We lost her. I love her but I could never love you."

[Kendall Saarinen]

Without another word Layton motioned to the door of their home. Kendall looked at Layton with pleading eyes. "Please Layton, just tell me that… I don't know! Just tell me something to make things okay." Layton just looked at Kendall blankly almost as though he couldn't understand him. "Like when we were younger. You always made everything better. You are my big brother." Layton stood cold as ice, his blue eyes fixed on Kendall. "Those times are over." Kendall stood frozen as he looked at his brother. Tears rolled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them away. As looked down at his hands they were covered in small streams of blood as if his tears had turned crimson. "Layton…" He tried to stop crying as he looked at his brother who was beginning to walk away. He reached out for him, blood dripping from his palm. Layton shook his head and pushed the bloodied hand away from him. "Stop it Kendall. You're a man now." The tears would not stop flowing now. "See! You know it's me! Layton!" Layton didn't answer. He just kept walking until the light off the coast engulfed him. When Layton was out of sight the world around Kendall flickered. "What…?" Within a chime the flickering had ceased and he found himself in a familiar room, his father's study. He walked forward slowly, taking in the room as he paced. He was alone in the study. He had never been in there alone before. His father never let him without supervision. Kendall was never sure why, only that the rule made him want to explore the room. Now he had the chance. The first place Kendall looked was the drawers of his father's desk. If there were going to be any secrets they would have to be there. He walked behind the desk and pulled at the top drawer. No matter how hard he pulled it would not open. "Petch..." Kendall mumbled under his breath as he placed his hand on the desk in an attempt to get more force behind his pull. He needed to see what his father had tried to hide. Kendall's fingers wrapped around the knob on the drawer and pulled again. Under his grip he could feel the knob losing shape and liquifying. In surprise he pulled his hand back to see the knob disfigured into the shape of his grip. In surprise, Kendall pulled back his hand from the desk only to see a singed outline of his palm. Kendall jumped back in fear, his eyes turning down to his hand. It looked just like it always had, at least since he had found himself in this body. The outline seemed to linger in a fiery orange color before cooling off and smoking an ashy grey. Moving past the desk, Kendall moved toward the wall to the left of his father's desk. It was covered in a wall long bookcase, filled with books on almost every topic except magic. He walked along the bookcase, his finger trailing over the spines of the books. He stopped at a certain book. It caught him by surprise, not just because of the topic but the book itself. It seemed to draw him in like a magnet. He pulled the book from the shelf and looked at the cover. It was titled Diving into the Arcane with what looked like an explosion of fire, water, air, and earth. The elements of Reimancy. "Wha…?" Kendall could not believe that a book like this would ever find it's way into his father's study. He flipped open the book and started to read a page about a third into the book. "This is why you are no longer in the family. You could not keep yourself from the arcane and now look at you. A lackey to the destroyer of the world and stuck in a foreign body. You are not a Saarinen. You are nothing Kendall."

[Kendall Saarinen]

With a scream, Kendall dropped the book and watched as it erupted into flames at his feet. "I couldn't let you be in here alone anymore. Look at what you have done." Kendall looked up to the doorway to see his father, Danel looking at him. "Dad?" His father simply shook his head as he walked forward. "I don't know what to call you." Da'nel looked at Kendall darkly. There was no hint of the love that used to fill his eyes when he looked at Kendall. Kendall could not look at his father. Instead, he released his Res and pulled in the flames from the burning book. As the fire fed into his Res the book disappeared into ash and sifted into the floor boards. "Call me Kendall. That is what you named me Dad." Hesitantly, Kendall looked up at his dad through his bangs. "Don't you dare use your disgusting magic around me. Don't you see this is how you got into this whole mess?" Kendall's eyes shot back down, focusing on the flames over his palms and letting them float off of his hands and hover at his sides. They burned brighter and hotter as his father spoke and turned a bright red. "See, look at you. A slave to the fire. You are everything a parent fears to see their child become." The fire roared hotter, seeming to take on a life of it's own. Kendall could not stand idle anymore. Not when his father was talking down about the thing that saved him from insanity. "What have I become dad? What is so terrible about me? Everything I petching do is to be worthy in your eyes and you don't see me." Da'nel simply glared at Kendall. The man was ashamed of what his daughter had become. "You are a lapdog to Ivak. He marked you for the Gods' sakes! You have gotten yourself screwed up with magic so badly that I cannot even recognize you anymore." Kendall opened his mouth to defend himself up Da'nel held up a hand. "You have become insolent and immoral. The worst of it all is that mage you have been getting so close to. I could never call you my son and even more so now. I refuse to have a son who..." Kendall knew what was waiting to come from his father's lips. He could feel it in the air around him, in the way his father looked at him. "Who is in love with another man? What is it Dad? It's just one more embarrassment from me isn't it. First I got caught up in magic, then I was marked by Ivak, and now I'm gay. I'm just a petching let down, aren't I?" Kendall was not sure if he even considered himself gay but he knew that his father was thinking it. Danel wanted to look intimidating but the fire that was burning fiercely around Kendall made him keep his distance. "Say it Dad! Tell me what you are thinking!" Kendall felt rage ripping through him. He had always felt a bit of anger toward his father dad ever since he was sent away but it was not until right now that he felt the need to hurt his father. He felt like it was revenge for the day Kendall had been pushed away from home. "You shame me. It is hard enough that I have to explain to people that my daughter somehow got herself turned into a man but now I have to explain that she… he, lies with other men. Worst of all that you have been marked by Ivak." It was clear just by looking at Da'nel that he was scared, even behind his strong words. He knew that he did not have a defense against Kendall's flames. "How can I accept you as my child? There is not a shard left of who my daughter was in you."

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall wanted to try and prove his worth to his father but what more was there to say? He was not listening to a word the blond was saying. "Dad…" His father's eyes would not even meet Kendall's though. "There is nothing left to say. I can't worry about you anymore. I have more important things to think about like trying to make sure the Saarinen name is not ruined because of you." The flames at Kendall's sides wained slowly. He wanted his father to see him, to love him. "None of this was my fault. I don't see why you feel the need to blame it on me." The way his father acted it seemed as though he thought Kendall wanted what happened to him. "You think I wanted this to happen to me? I want to be a girl! I want to be me!" Kendall could not help it. He did not want to cry but the tears came. He wanted his father to feel terrible about what happened to him. If he was not going to be sympathetic to Kendall's pain then he would have to make him sorry for abandoning him. "Don't cry Kendall. You're a man now." There were the words again. They said everything he did not want to hear. "I'm not…" Kendall pushed past his father and ran out down the hall. He ran, seeming to never run out of energy but at the same time, never reaching his destination. He wanted to go back to his room. It had been a year since he had studied within it's walls or slept in his own bed. He needed to be there, to be comfortable. A voice stopped him in his hurried run though. "Honey, where are you going?" The voice was soft and warm. It was his mother. He turned to see her. She looked exactly like he remembered her. Long brown hair, light green eyes, just like his had been, and most of all she had the same motherly smile. He just looked at her, wondering if she was going to push him away like Layton and he father had. "Kendall, I'm glad you are home." She was glad that Kendall was home. She wanted him to be home with her. "Mom! I missed you so much!" He ran over to her, overjoyed to see that she was waiting for him to wrap his arms around her. Finally, someone was happy he was home. "Mom, I missed you so much." Kendall smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. She smiled as she hugged him. "Kenny, look how tall you have gotten!" It was true. He was taller than her and it was odd. He was glad to be back in her arms though. Even a year after he had left home he still looked up to her. He wanted to be like her, to write like her, at least how she was before she had thrown him out into the street. She stepped back and looked up at him. "Move back, let me look at you." This made Kendall feel a bit uncomfortable. She did not seem to be judging him though. She almost looked proud. With a nervous smile he stepped back, looking at his mother anxiously. What would she say? She simply smiled and reached out to place her hand on his cheek. "You look ssssso handsssssome Kendall." He jerked back slightly. "Mom… are you okay?" She smiled brighter, showing a pair of serpentine fangs. "Of coursssssse honey. Why wouldn't I be?" He watched his mother as her eyes turned to slits. This wasn't his mother. It looked like her, even sounded like her to an extent, but it was not her. Taking another step back, Kendall watched her skeptically. "Who are you?"

[Kendall Saarinen]

The woman smiled, showing a pair of fangs hidden behind her lips. "I'm your mother sssssssweetie. Who elssssssse would I be?" Kendall watched the woman moving closer, her skin taking on a scaly appearance. This was not his mother. He needed to get away from her. He ran, only knowing one place where he could be safe. His bedroom. Kendall ran as fast as his legs would take him, all the while the Dhani woman yelled after him. She pleaded for him to come back. The woman was fast and she was catching up. "Please let me find my room soon. I just want to get out of here." Soon Kendall's hand found the knob of his bedroom door. Hurriedly he tried to open it as he felt the woman getting closer. She was calling out to him, promising that she was his mother. That everything would be okay if he just returned to her. "No… it's not her." He pushed through the door, quickly locking it when he was safe in his room. Kendall breathed a sigh of relief as he found himself alone. The calm did not last though. As the Azenth looked around the room he felt as though the ground was falling out below him. The room was completely empty, save a bed, a dresser, and a night stand. He felt as though he could not breathe. Somewhere in him he sort of knew it would have only been a matter of time before his family cleaned his room up a bit. He was sure it was a little messy before his accident. He never expected to see the room completely cleaned out though. Kendall walked over to the dresser first, pulling the drawers open one by one. All of them were empty. It was just a dresser sitting there with nothing to fill it. Where had his clothing gone? Better yet, where had everything he owned gone? With a quicker pace he walked to the nightstand, opening it up quickly. Once again, the drawer was completely empty. Bare walls, empty drawers, and not a speck of dust or a single wrinkle in the blanket over the bed. A pounding came to the door, followed by a voice. "Kendall, get your asssss out here right now!" It was the Dhani woman but all kind hints in her voice were long gone. Kendall walked slowly to the door, wincing as he heard her trying to knock it down. "What did you do to my room?" His voice was firm and demanding. The pounding stopped, letting the house hang in a moment of silence before a hiss broke the air. "I jussssst cleaned it. You can't jussssst leave a room a messssss like that." Kendall pounded on the door, his teeth clenched in anger. "No! You can't tell me that! This room is empty! Everything I owned is gone!" The woman tried to force the door open but was only met with failure. "We did not expect you to come ba-" Kendall pounded at the door again, his anger rippling through his body. "That's not why you did it! You didn't care about the mess or even if I came back." Kendall laid his head against the door as he started to cry. "You wanted to pretend I never existed..."

[Legion]

Thread Award Kendall Lore Saarinen Family Secrets Comments Again! This is what we call relevant lore, class. Thank you for the ammunition. If was, as ever, an entertaining read.